Monday, February 23, 2009

And then there was that 'love' thing

Oh life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
-Dorothy Parker

Since my birthday is just past I am left with some thoughts about the passages of life and where one is at any given time, like right now. I should know by now. But truly I don’t. But here are some musings on a vital facet of life. My life, and the lives of many others, especially once we get beyond a certain age and acquire a tiny smattering of wisdom. Personally, I don’t think any of us are granted any more wisdom than just a tiny smattering.

Anyway, some thoughts on love.


I have been in love many times in my life. There was a time in my youth that I would fall in love four or five times between breakfast and lunch, depending on where I was and what I was doing.

Now content in a truly loving relationship that I hope is for life, I realize that my earlier infatuations, crushes, or infusions of sheer horniness were not 'true' love, even though they seemed, as an emotion, to follow the rules of the real thing as I understood love at the time. Mainly the females at that time only needed to satisfy in such scenarios as follow:

a) Would I like to be intimate with her?

Or

b) Would I object if she came up to me and said: "I'd like to have sexual intercourse with you, and eventually I want to bear your children. “

The female in question could have been a classmate, somebody I’d seen in a coffee shop or on a bus, or an individual in a short skirt riding up an escalator and flashing her undies. Indeed, I have fallen in love for the sake of a chance glimpse of silk on more than one occasion. “Love your panties, will you marry me?”

In terms of my veneration of the various facets of divinely-inspired female pulchritude, I am essentially a 'face' guy. If a female has an adorable combination of eyes, nose and mouth placement, the rest of the package is of much less importance to my enchantment.

Not, of course, that there is anything whatsoever on this earth that deducts from a shapely, rounded bottom, or comforting looking breasts, but if those elements are there in nice proportion, but the face doesn’t work for me then, I am very sorry, I do not want to be there.

Evidence indicates that men and women are different as far as love is concerned. For women, love is a serious business. It should be as they have so much more to lose if it turns bad. For them the commitment is a deeper thing at the outset than it is for men; at least than it is for men in the earlier part of their lives. There is a certain coming together later on and, while it's not a full convergence, at least men and women finally, from middle age forward, hang out in roughly the same amorousness ballpark.

When a man is young his biological imperative is to impregnate as many nubile females as possible. Not that he actually wants the impregnation part to transpire, he just fancies the process that can lead to pregnancy if it is so destined. In other words, young bucks like sex; a lot of steamy sex is cherished and/or fantasized about. Mainly fantasized about, if truth be known.

As it happens, most males spend their formative years biting their knuckles and having tears well up in their eyes due to all the pretty little things out there. Part of the tearing stems from rapture at the profound beauty of these distaff creatures. Another part (indeed the most part) of the tears originates with his realization that he cannot have them all. For, that is indeed what the young lad wants – ‘all’ of them. Some guys, of course, never lose that impulse, and as such can face many complications in their lives.

Of course, it’s a good thing that the quest for possession of all young females is a futile one, or there wouldn’t be any left for the rest of us. Anyhow, it’s the chasethat is of the essence. If your dog chases cars, the big question is always, what would he do if he caught one? If a randy lad of no sophistication chases a pretty girl, what is he to do if she turns around and says, "OK.”? He is going to be terrified, and likely muff his chances badly.

Later in time the boy settles down with his 'one-and-only', thoroughly convinced that this is indeed the real thing. She will be the only one for him for the rest of his life. The problem here is that in his early twenties he has no clue as to what sort of woman would be ideal for him for the rest of his life. This too can lead to complications a few weeks, months or years down the road.

Our divorce lawyers rub their hands each and every time they hear church bells on a Saturday afternoon in June, and not because they are incurable romantics.Fortunate indeed is the person who finds that 'soulmate' right off. I am acquainted with a few such people, and am amazed by both their staying-power and by the fact that they not only hit it right at the start, but that they have consistently been able to work it through.

It can't all be about love -- can it?

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17 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe not all of it, but I'm not cynical about love. It comes in many forms and many times and many intensities. Isn't that okay?

5:51 PM  
Blogger jmb said...

No I don't believe it is all about love. I think it needs a good dash of friendship too. And tolerance and freedom, giving the other person the freedom to grow into the adult they want/were meant to be.

Oh and I always say, better the devil you know! 48 years in May.

11:04 PM  
Blogger Ellee Seymour said...

Belated happy birthday. I think you enjoy learning about different women. We are all different, and that's what makes it so much fun for you. I think JMB has the right idea, but remember, nobody is perfect, we are all flawed characters too.

2:22 AM  
Blogger Leesa said...

b) Would I object if she came up to me and said: "I'd like to have sexual intercourse with you, and eventually I want to bear your children. “

You asked the question. And no, you should not sleep with a woman who said that. If she is that awkward with the English language, imagine her in bed? Aim a tad bit higher, love.

4:27 AM  
Blogger French Fancy... said...

I love that last comment - well said Leesa.

All these interesting retorts people are leaving you - and now you can have the cliché from me -

I always thought I was in love until I met Mr FF 11 years ago and finally realised what true love meant. I know it is corny and boring but honestly that is just how I feel. I hope we will be together for the rest of my life but, should it all go wrong, I hope we have the courage and decency to part in a civilised fashion.

4:50 AM  
Blogger Daisy said...

I think you hit the nail on the head with the main problem some men have is they never grow out of that wanting it all phase, which is a recipe for unhapiness if there was ever one. I agree with jmb it's not just love, or love is not just the fun part, it's so much to do with friendship and loyalty and just plain working at it.

5:42 AM  
Blogger Vic said...

Interesting. Only comments from women so far!

I would only add that I do not believe that only men have difficulty in determining just who they are (and therefore what they need n a mate) when they are young. The motivations may be different, but the gaps in self-knowledge and the forming of the "person" are, in my experience, still there. Why would women marry immature, unformed men otherwise?

6:07 AM  
Blogger Jazz said...

I've been with Mr. Jazz going on 22 years and I can confirm that (at least in my case) it's not all about love. As JMB says, there's got to be friendship, tolerance and freedom. And a healthy dose of "Let's not take this thing too seriously" with a lot of "If it ain't broke don't fix it" mixed in.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Ian Lidster said...

I agree with every comment made. And I, after going down many wrong avenues in life, finally reached the point of being with a person whom I love deeply, am attracted to at all levels including intimate ones, and have the best friendship I have ever had with 'anyone.' We celebrate 10 years of marriage next month and I am delighted.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Synchronicity said...

You are a true romantic Ian. I do think it is all about love in all its many forms and flavors. This is a wonderfully wistful post.

9:42 AM  
Blogger thailandchani said...

Alice Walker wrote once about "familiar companionability" and I am drawn to that. The rest of that stuff, to be perfectly honest, just isn't familiar to me at all. I'm not a romantic person and honestly believe that if I ever marry again, it will be to my best buddy. All the rest of that? Meh.

:)



~*

10:58 AM  
Blogger thailandchani said...

And....

Happy (belated) birthday!



~~*

10:59 AM  
Blogger Laura Jane Williams said...

It has ALL got to be about love, otherwise I'm not playing.

11:47 AM  
Blogger Deb Sistrunk Nelson said...

You are most definitely a romantic! I enjoyed this post.

7:07 PM  
Blogger A Super Dilettante said...

It's a wonderful, thought-provoking blog post. It's fascinating the differences between men and women. Relationship and why people fall in love always remain a mystery to me.

If you think about it, men give love to get sex. Whereas, women give sex to get love.

5:05 AM  
Blogger Silver said...

A very happy belated birthday to you..

and NO i don't think it's all about LOVE. I think, we all must have heard enough marriage jokes by now to even be quite familiar with the idea that.. why do sane people even want to get married? To cure being in Love!!

i think there is a lot of truth in it- all successful marriages has all these behind the curtain scenes that the world don't see. It takes plenty of hard work, man..but the reward of hanging on to work thru to see better days can be worthwhile..well, in most cases, i think.

Just a matter of personal opinion.

smiles,

~Silver
Reflections / One Day at a Time

oh yeah.. i really enjoy reading your articles. will visit again soon!

3:50 AM  
Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I don't think it's all about love, or luck either. I believe that long-term happy marriages are the result of both of those things plus (and perhaps most important of all) a mutual willingness to put the relationship ahead of their individual wills. Flip and I actually wrote that into our vows, and it seems to be working.

Trust, genuine friendship and common values are also necessary attributes to any marriage if it is going to last beyond the first flushes of physical attraction. And a mutual sense of humor helps so much, too.

Happy birthday to you, Ian, and a wonderful year!

7:35 PM  

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