Saturday, October 20, 2007

Trying not to lose it at the market

It’s happened a thousand times, but it never fails to piss me off and bring out the latent curmudgeon in me. I’m at a checkout line in the supermarket with Wendy and the pert little 19-ish checkout clerk says chirpily: “So, how are you guys today?”

I resist the impulse to put a hand under one of my wife’s breasts and say: “See these? It should be obvious to anybody that she’s not a guy.”

But, my primary point is, why are you even using the overly-familiar and somewhat disrespectful term ‘guys’ with a customer? What is wrong with “you people, you folks,” just plain “you” or even the southern “you all?” The curmudgeon in me suggests it is both too familiar – I’m sure you are a perfectly nice young lady, but we are not buddies (unless we do actually happen to be buddies), so why the familiarity. Furthermore, I am older than you are, so maybe a little deference is in order.

To me it's bad manners, and I don’t know why employers don’t stress with kids (because it’s almost always kids) the proper protocols for addressing members of the purchasing public. I don't really blame the kids, I blame those who should have taught them how to behave and obviously didn't. If I ran a business such a level of politeness would be drummed into my staff. In fact, to be fair, two stores in which I've always been treated politely and respectfully are the big boxes, Wal-Mart and Costco. But, I also know they have distinct standards for staff behavior.

I don’t mean to suggest I’m not a friendly person. In the same context, I like friendly clerks. But, what a lot of young people don’t seem to understand is that there is a wealth of difference between friendliness and familiarity. Your customers aren’t your buddies, unless they happen to really be your buddies. There’s one young woman who works in our market that Wendy and I regard as almost a surrogate daughter. She’s a young single mom who is having a tough time working, finishing her education, and all sorts of things. But, we really like her and have built up a nice friendship with her. She too says “you guys” but, the difference is, she’s allowed to because we have passed that boundary into familiarity with her.

I guess my real point would be is that a lot of kids don’t seem to be trained any longer in any realms of politesse by parents, schools and business operators. Regardless of how a kid might they might like to see it, not everybody in their lives are their equals -- at least not at this callow point in their lifespans. Certain positions demand a certain amount of respect. It's just the way it is. If the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh were to walk up to their till, it would be unacceptable to say: "Liz -- Phil -- howzit goin'?"

A number of years ago, when I lived in the UK, I had to be involved in a few meetings with one of the department managers at our local Barclay’s Bank. The meetings were to do with some fund exchange glitches between Canada and my account in the UK. The woman, who was a very nice person, was a Miss Schofield. I don’t know what her real name was. It might have been Judy, or Linda, or Susie-Creamcheez Schofield, but I only knew her as Miss Schofield. That’s how it should have been. And, to her, I was always Mr. Lidster, That was how it should have also been.

So, it still niggles a bit when I go into my local bank, deal with a clerk with whom I’ve never met before since she appears to be new, and at the end of the transaction, she calls me 'Ian.' It irks.

A favorite bugbear of many people in this regard is that their doctor will refer to them by first name, but demands the honorific ‘Dr.’ in front of his or her last name.

Sorry, this works two ways. Since my doctor ceased calling me Mr, Lidster a number of years ago, I took on myself to Call him Rob. He seems OK with it. If he hadn’t been and had raised an objection, I would have politely told him, “Then, my name, to you, is Mr. Lidster.”

Labels: , ,

19 Comments:

Blogger Chase March said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

3:31 PM  
Blogger Chase March said...

Addressing Doctors by their title is polite. Doctors should feel comfortable enough to use your first name and not be some formal. After all, they are intimately involved in your life when they are treating you. I think it is disrespectful to call then by their first name unless you are friends outside of the office.

This is also how the public school system works. We expect children to address their teachers and other adults as Mr. or Mrs. It would be impolite for them to do otherwise. It also makes sense for teachers to address students using their first names.

I do agree, however, that some service workers have become terribly informal. There is a time and place for informal and formal greetings. Let’s not lose that.

3:31 PM  
Blogger meggie said...

This is an area where it seems different countries have different formalities.
When we lived in New Zealand, there was a lot more formality. My grandmother had a friend of many years, who visited her every week. They were always Mrs So&so to each other. Doctors were always Doctor, & our longstanding Solicitor was MR.
When we came to live over here, we were surprised & I confess, delighted to find it was all so casual, & first names were the order of the day.
Our GP's are a husband & wife. Who are both happy to be called by their first names- & shortened versions, what is more.
I dont feel there is a loss of respect through it- rather I feel it is a mark of respect when they request you use their first name. Somehow it makes them more approachable.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

Just the other day, a cashier called me "Dude".

I laughed and replied, "Dude?". As in, uh, I'm not a guy, I'm a woman.

"I call everyone dude," he said.

"Even your mom," I asked.

"Nah, I call her Mom." Then he paused and said, "But maybe I'll start calling her dude now that you mention it."

Another teachable moment lost.

7:49 PM  
Blogger geewits said...

I totally agree with you on not blaming the young workers. When I've had to complain in restaurants about truly horrible service, I make it clear to the manager that I blame them for improper training (and I leave a decent tip). On the other hand, if you dislike the familiarity, I'm afraid you will not like Texas.

12:47 AM  
Blogger Casdok said...

Customer service is very lax these days. And is so important, so i dont understand how they cant get it right, it is very simple!!

2:03 AM  
Blogger Janice Thomson said...

What you talk about Ian is a simple case of respect - unfortunately children are not taught respect anymore either at school or at home. With usually both parents away and working there seems to be little time for teaching this. Many parents do not even understand this concept themselves and hence are incapable of impressing upon their child the importance of respect - and once that is out the door there is room for a host of other problems to enter. I agree 100% with your post today.

8:45 AM  
Blogger laughingwolf said...

again, i blame that twit, ben spock, who calls himself a pediatrician, for current society's lack of decorum

when a two- or three-year-old is not reprimanded by its 'parent' for mouthing off at an adult, you know it's going to get worse as they age

good post...

8:51 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

"The latent curmudgeon"? The next time you unleash "the overt curmudgeon" warn me ahead of time so I can hide! :) (Seriously, Ian, I love your curmudgeonly ways. It makes me feel all green and callow and blissfully ignorant...)

9:46 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

Well, even at my slightly younger age, I recognize the fact that in some circles, a degree of social awareness needs to be practiced.

I cringe when a parent introduces me to their child as Tai. I mean, Ms. Tai doesn't sound right either, but I'm of an age group where my parents friends were introduced as 'Aunt' Mary and 'Uncle' Bob. And that's okay by me.

And boy oh boy, to address an older person by their first time was just inviting trouble. Even today I won't do it, unless otherwise invited.

I recall running into a teacher of mine well after I was an adult, and I didn't refer to him as anything BUT Mr. Teacher. Couldn't call him by his first name. Just wasn't right.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

Ahhhh, manners. Manners are so lovely, aren't they? And a lack of them definitely has hurt society in general, I think. I'm laughing also at Dr. Deb's comment about "teachable moments." Again, it's why I love "Teach Your Children Well" so much. If we don't do it, who will? And it makes for a harder life for them when their manners are poor. (My never-to-be-humble opinion.)

12:26 PM  
Blogger Spider Girl said...

Yeah, I'm in agreement with Tai. Even though we're grown-up ourselves it still doesn't feel right to call some of our teachers anything other than Mr. or Ms.

On the other hand, I work with small children and I'm quite comfortable with them using my first name.

3:28 PM  
Blogger heiresschild said...

you bring out some very valid points Mr. Lidster. *lol* no, seriously though i agree with a lot of what you said. i've said some of the same things. my friends' children put an "aunt" in front of my name, and i taught my children the same thing or "miss, mrs, mr." my bank does call me by my last name. even when i have to call my ISP or cell phone company, they will ask if i mind if they call me sylvia. i think one of these days i'll answer no just to see what they say. lol

3:48 PM  
Blogger beachgirl said...

Good topic,
One of my pet peeves is a business where the person answering the phone has NO phone etiquette.
When they answer Hello or Hi and nothing else I ask the person what their name is and what the name of the number I reached. Pisses them off every time. They usually don't get it.

Have an awesome evening.
Carol

4:54 PM  
Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Our primary care doctor insists that his patients call him "Cliff." In my experience, this is quite rare.

Since I am older than many of the people I deal with in different capacities, (although, of course, I don't look it!!) I think there should be a modicum of respect offered instead of the assumption that I am fine with being called by my name or even worse, "Sue."

But I digress. I really came by to see how you guys are, the one with and the one without...

6:49 PM  
Blogger Jazz said...

This reminds me of something that happened the last time I went to the US... and more than once.

At restaurants, we were often asked, "Are you done working on that?" or "Are you still working on that?"

I felt like a pig at a trough. Every time I was asked that I was appalled...

8:56 AM  
Blogger CS said...

Deep breath. I don't see how "you folks" is better than "you guys." I think of guys (when its plural)as a gender-free term for the most part.

The Quaker tradtion is to not use titles with anyone - not Dr. not Mr. All memebers of the meeting from small children to those in their 80's go by their first names. The idea is that we are all equally valuable. I like it. And I haven't noticed the young people there being any less respectful as a result. I don't ask my own patients to call me "Dr." and I think it is not a matter of politeness for you to have to address your physican by title while he or she calls you by your first name. It's an unjust imbalance.

Around here, it is very common for people to call you by an endearment, even people who don't know you at all. Honey or sugar or sweetie - I like that, too. I never feel insulted, I think it is just friendly. But Southerners have different standards about that sort of thing than the rest of the country.

8:14 PM  
Blogger jmb said...

Right on Ian.
But as soon as my dentist started calling me by my first name then I called her by her first name.
With my doctor I always have called him by his first name. I knew him at the hospital where I worked and he came to see patients. However I agree totally, it's both first names or both titles.
I find that younger physicians introduce themselves as Jane Doe or Joe Blow.

11:24 PM  
Blogger Colin Campbell said...

I had to grit my teeth when the term You Guys was used for many years during my living career in America. I think that I easy going as I am would be quite taken aback to be called dude in any kind of commercial or service environment.

1:31 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home