Monty's Jade will go on, and on, and on, and on

The other day I was vacuuming (as opposed to having sex, in case you were wondering, because you know you can’t do both) when I knocked over Monty’s Jade Plant while in the process of moving the dreadful thing. I got jade plant bits and potting soil all over the place. But, I cleaned it up. I did, however, think this was a good excuse to be rid of the goddamn thing forever.

OK – why ‘Monty’s’ Jade plant, I am sure you are all asking? Well, it came about a few years go when I was running the rehab I’ve told you about. One afternoon at the end of the day, the cook came out and pointed to the top of the refrigerator and said, in her own inimitable way, distilled (no pun intended) from serving grub to junkies and alcoholics for years: “Why don’t you take that fucking thing home with you?” She was pointing at a bedraggled looking jade plant that was sitting on the fridge top. It was dusty, cobweb festooned, and just generally wretched. “I don’t think it’s been watered in a year,” she continued. “I was hoping that would kill it, but it doesn’t seem to have worked.”

She told me the plant was given to Monty -- one of my predecessors as administrator -- by a client.

“The client must have really hated him,” I opined.

You see, at this point I must say that, as a lover of all things green and bountiful, I have an almost singular detestation for jade plants. I find them ugly, spongy, and uninspiring. 'Succulent's is a word I find rather sensual, but not when it's applied to a certain type of plant -- like jade. I do not want a jade in my house.

But, as an afficionado of herbal stuff in general, I didn’t like the idea of the plant suffering; being slowly murdered, so I acceded to the cook’s request. Maybe Wendy might like it, I thought. I didn’t know if it would change my feelings about Wendy if she did actually like it, but I was prepared to find out.

Now, I must point out that while this plant had been sort of maimed and mutilated, it was also rather huge, and sat in a pot that seemed to weigh about 75-pounds. But, I got it in the trunk of my car, and home it went with me.

I cannot say that Wendy was enchanted when she saw it, but she felt it might be ‘ressurectable’. Worse luck, it was. So, we’ve had it kicking around for about five years now. In the winter it gets to stay indoors, cluttering up the front window, and in summer it goes on the patio. It seems to like that fresh air. It’s green and lustrous, but still a jade plant. When Wendy took the job in Victoria about a year ago, and we needed to set up part-time digs in an apartment, I suggested she take the Monty Jade with her, just as a reminder of home. She agreed she would, and in Victoria the thing has prospered even more. It’s larger and healthier than it ever was.

The real Monty died a few months ago, which was sad, as he was a nice guy, but I think this gave the jade a stronger grip on survival, as a kind of commemorative thing. On Monty’s death it sprouted a lot of new growth.

And then there was my incident (I think it was an accident) of a couple of days ago. But, the Monty Jade was unfazed. I think it’s laughing at me and saying, “You won’t get rid of me that easily, buddy. Monty’s gone, but I’m doing better than ever. Maybe I’m telling you something.”