Maybe not tasteful, but tasty nevertheless

Nanaimo is a city about 65 miles north of Victoria, and about equidistant south of Comox, where I normally live. It’s a former coal-mining town with an area population of about 150,000. Coal is long gone, but it’s a prosperous place and in recent years has spruced itself up considerably, and even impressively. It is now a significant seaport (and is much closer to Vancouver than is self-impressed Victoria), shipping centre, manufacturing and distribution centre, and has even invited a fair amount of high-tech, especially thanks to the presence of Malaspina University-College in the place.

OK, enough with the tourism travelogue. Nanaimo (pronounced ‘Nah-nie-moe’, by the way), perhaps more notably, has three other claims to fame, and they are worthy of mention. They are: Mallrats, The Full Nanaimo, and Nanaimo Bars. Let us consider these because they give evidence to a fame that vastly exceeds the limits of a relatively minor city in the Northwest.

Mall Rats: Studies show that Nanaimo has more per-capita mall space than not only any city in Canada, or even North America, but in the world! While these aren’t necessarily the biggest malls, and some are just sleazy, greasy little strip malls, but the number of them boggles the mind. And, the larger malls are actually even impressive by big city standards, and boast the same ‘name’ stores that can be found all over the world. In other words, they are sheer heaven for teenage girls and food-fair aficionados.

The Full Nanaimo: This was a term created by Canadian satirist and political commentator Alan Fotheringham a number of years ago. It refers to a certain sartorial style that he felt befitted a community that wasn’t necessarily known for epitomizing all that was tasteful and charming in male garb. Everybody remembers the style (if it can be called that) but perhaps fewer of you knew that it had a name. The true FN consisted of a dark shirt (blue or brown, generally), horribly patterned double-knit trousers, a sort of pastel-ish pale blue or beige jacket with very, very wide lapels (also synthetic, of course) and topped off with white necktie, white belt, and white shoes (all of them plastic but the tie). With such duds in place, young Mr. Nanaimo and his equivalents continent-wide were set to take on the world. Indeed, the ensemble could also be topped off with a permed haircut. Ah, in wistful recollection I can feel my gorge rise.

There was also a ‘formal’ representation of the FN and that was used by grooms at their weddings. That was the FN tux, basically a pastel-colored abomination that was accented with a ruffled shirt (a la Seinfeld) and an outsize bowtie designed to match the color theme of the ensemble. Men of a certain age may have photos of themselves in FN tux (muttonchop sideburns added to the total ‘look’ by the way) taken at their own weddings. My advice: burn them before the kids see them or you will never be entitled to have an opinion about anything ever again.

The Nanaimo Bar: The Nanaimo Bar is a confection. Sort of a diabetic sugar overload of rich chocolate and rich vanilla all coating a wafer of some sort. I cannot speak with authority on the Nanaimo Bar because, quite frankly, I’ve never eaten one. Nor have I ever wanted to. My teeth begin to hurt and I feel incipient insulin shock welling up just by looking at them.

Yet, they are immensely popular. Wendy, who used to run her own catering business about 20 years ago, said that Nanaimo Bars (along with deviled eggs) were scarfed up like gold coins at a wedding or other social function.

When we lived in England a number of years ago, my ex wife was having some neighbor ladies in for tea one afternoon, She decided to make Nanaimo Bars. Well, to say they were a huge hit would be to state the case lightly. These otherwise sedate matrons were virtually having orgasms over the things. And, virtually every one of them demanded my wife’s recipe so they could make them, too. She obliged, since it’s no secret, and if you are curious, you can find recipes galore on the Internet.

Bon appetit, and think of Nanaimo as you feel your waistlines and hips expanding.