The falling leaves drift past my window -- grimace

Winter is icumin in;
Lude sing “goddamn!”
-Ezra Pound

Well, it’s not quite winter yet, so pardon the hyperbole, but it is autumn and that can only lead to the winter of one’s discontent. I know fall has crept in on us because the Virginia creeper in the side garden is turning a flaming red. That is one of the very, very, very few nice things about fall. Since I don’t live in eastern Canada or New England, I must content myself with the creeper and the hue is very striking.

But, it’s fall, damnit. The whole thing started at the end of last week, and this morning – as wonderfully bright and sunny as it was – it almost felt like frost was in the air. That really sucks. I don’t like frost being in the air, or on the pumpkins or any of those other ‘fallish’ things. “These fallish things, remind me of you.” Sorry, I couldn’t resist that last line. Please disregard.

Every year about this time I have to face verbal onslaughts from autumn buffs that maintain, “It’s such a beautiful season!” Beautiful, be damned. It’s followed by winter. Winter is evil. It’s like having a relationship with a devastatingly attractive woman that you know is going to come to naught. The ride may be wonderful, but too soon it will end, and the horrors will begin. OK, maybe that’s a lame metaphor, but somehow it worked for me.

So, each year about this time, I try to think about the autumnal things I actually like.

I like:

- Pumpkin pie.
- The fragrance of burning leaves, but our town doesn’t permit home burning, so I’m screwed on that front.
- Curling up before the (indoor) fire
- Some entries in the new TV season, though not most.
- Very tiny munchkins in Halloween costumes, but nobody older than eight. Older, you’re just a greedy little ripoff artist. Oh, and it’s either full costume that shows genuine work and thought, or you’ll get nothing from me.

That’s about it. But, the many things I don’t like could possibly be sufficient to form the subject of my next book.

I primarily don’t like:

- Having to put the furnace on.
- Slippery streets in the morning.
- Rain, rain and more rain here on the wet west coast
- Rain combined with wind. A combo that can make me feel almost suicidal.
- Having to put on multi layers of clothing instead of shorts and T.
- Football. Not because it’s violent – I don’t frankly care what mayhem jocks want to perpetrate on each other – but because it’s boring. At least, to me it is.
- Winter sports: Cold and wet and hugely expensive. My idea of sport is snorkelling in an azure sea with a tropical sun beating down.
- The so-called ‘Holiday Season’. We have 12 months in the year, but for some reason everything is concentrated into 2 brief months duringthe dreariest time of year. Thus, we have to endure Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Or, for Jewish readers, feel free to include Chanukah in the mix.

There, that feels better, and may I share my fondest wish, and that is that somehow we miss winter entirely this year. I’d like autumn just fine if spring was the subsequent season.