Sunday, May 04, 2008

'Hey -- Four Eyes!'

When I was a small boy I had what was known as a ‘cast’ in one eye. A cast was also known in the parlance of kid-friendly opthalmological references as a ‘lazy eye.’ That meant that when I got tired I tended to go cross-eyed. Nothing was wrong with my vision, but if the cast wasn’t remedied I’d end up looking like that silent movie actor Ben Turpin.

My options to address the problem were surgery, wearing a patch over one eye (yarrr), or (horror of horrors) glasses. I opted for the piratical potential of the patch, my mother went in the direction of glasses. She didn’t understand fourth grade boys. Glasses=instant dork. “Hey, four-eyes/goggles/specs …” Nothing, absolutely nothing cool about glasses.

But, I got the glasses, was left looking like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, and had to go right into my teen years wearing the damn things. After the rise of Buddy Holly, glasses were a little cooler, but they were still an encumbrance. Regardless however, by maturity the cast was cured and I could shuck the lenses. There had never been anything wrong with my vision. Anyway, once the glasses were gone I felt as liberated as does a big breasted woman when she removes her bra – I’ve been told. I got to let my eyes ‘hang loose’, too. I finally looked 'way cool.'

This was all well and good until I was in my early 40s when I found that I was holding books and newspapers farther and farther away and restaurant menu writings began to resemble Sanskrit. Yes, as visits most of us, I’d developed hyperopia, or middle-aged far-sightedness. I can see far away things brilliantly, but up-close is a different story. So, again I had to visit the world of specs.

But, it’s OK. I only use so-called ‘readers’ that can be picked up at a pharmacy or dollar store for reasonable cost. Consequently, I have about five pairs of the things. Meanwhile, I can still drive without glasses, can go for a walk unencumbered, or watch TV. Not a big deal.

What is a big deal, however, is the abject failure of assorted bodies to recognize this reality. Those who produce certain things, like telephone directories, or instructions on products, are either too young or too stupid to know that a sizeable chunk of their demographic cannot read whatever words have been printed on whatever.

It came to me again yesterday when I decided to have some Cream of Wheat for breakfast. I got out the box and was reading the instructions (I know how to make it; I just cannot remember the proportion of water to cereal). Yet, even with my glasses on, I could not read the measurement on the back of the box. I had to go into the living room to fetch my magnifying glass, which I keep handy nowadays.

This is ludicrous. Why should I have to do that? I’m not in my dotage by a long shot, and I pity those who are, because it must be even worse.

This reality became apparent recently when, in the city of Victoria (where, until a short time ago, I had resided on a part-time basis) a new telephone directory was created. A new directory with reduced-size print. How inconsiderate. The mean age in Victoria (Canada’s retirement heaven) is about 94. Therefore, those who would be most likely to scan the directory are prevented from doing so without some heavy-duty seeing aids.

There was such an outcry that the directory morons have conceded defeat and have suggested next year’s version will have bigger print.

So, I supposed there is some sort of economy in reducing print size. But, if it costs more to print bigger, then do so. After all, even if it doesn’t cost more, you’ll tell us that it does and jack up the prices anyway.

Anyway, who do you print things for, anyway? Judging by some of the recently published school scores, it is only people past a certain age who are capable of reading in the first place.

OK, the last point was a cheap-shot, but I enjoyed it anyway, and it's my blog.

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12 Comments:

Blogger Big Brother said...

I've always said that there is nothing wrong with my sight, I am just suffering from having the length of my arms shrink with age, so I can no longer hold the menu far enough to read it.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Leslie Hawes said...

I got a good giggle about not being able to remember the proportion of water to cream of wheat!
Your eyes are fine. It's the memory that's slipping...
*teasing*

1:55 PM  
Blogger andrea said...

This is all propaganda. My arms are getting shorter and that's all there is to it.

3:08 PM  
Blogger laughingwolf said...

have been myopic since pre-teens, and glasses never seemed to worry the ladies i went out with

as for font sizes, yeah, trying to read some is next to impossible... talk about 'fine print'! grrrrr

3:40 PM  
Blogger Synchronicity said...

i hear ya...i can so relate. after forty the whole body seems to fall apart! i had recently changed the font on my blog so i can see what i am writing.

oh and guys who wear glasses...very sexy...you have that clark kent look.

6:20 PM  
Blogger jmb said...

Well I'm in my dotage and it is the pits. Even with my new eye (other one to follow soon), although I can see way out there I can't see close up, except with spectacles and still not that scrinchy little print.

I was just thinking the same thing the other day when I was trying to read the directions on a nail preparation bottle in the store.

Good rant, Ian.

6:46 PM  
Blogger Vic said...

I just hate it when I am unable to even sign my name without glasses. I attempt to get by by going places with my son who acts as my prvate seeing eye dog for reading labels etc

7:13 PM  
Blogger Janice Thomson said...

I'd like just once to be able to see something far away - being nearsighted isn't any better than being farsighted. I've been a 'four eyes' since I was about 15.

7:31 PM  
Blogger Eastcoastdweller said...

The decline of the senses is so frustrating and it hits some of us at different times and in different ways.

My poor grandfather can't hear a thing anymore -- cruel fate, because he has always loved music and loves to sing.

I'm still quite young but had to get glasses for driving a few years ago. Hate em.

My poor father has worn glasses his entire life.

10:57 AM  
Blogger heiresschild said...

it is most annoying how the print has shrunk because of trying to keep costs down (i guess!). i had to wear glasses as a child, and now i wear contacts with glasses over the contacts when i need to read. i'm just thankful for seeing eyes.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Jazz said...

I've been wearing glasses since I was six. I've been a dork forever. And now I'm stuck with progressive lenses, which makes me an old dork.

8:12 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

And yet ANOTHER way we are alike. I kid you not, I had to wear glasses for four or five years because I was, yes, crosseyed. Will the similarities never end? Thank God for glasses -- even though I hated them with a PASSION -- "lost" them on more than several occassions.

4:44 PM  

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