Thursday, March 13, 2008

Only for some -- please

I read somewhere that mustaches are making a comeback. God, I hope not. I hope not because most men do not look well with upper lip hirsuteness. I don't know why that is. Shape of the face? Personality?

Mustaches are like bowties (another of those cyclical fashion things) that should only bedeck the necks of certain males. Winston Churchill and Groucho Marx come to mind, along with Dagwood Bumstead. If Dagwood had worn a long tie it would have covered up that curiously huge single button in the middle of his shirt.

But, back to ‘stashes. They simply do not work for most. They can give an evil and sinister look to some men (it may be worthy of note that no US president since Teddy Roosevelt ever was elected if he happened to be mustache adorned. Thomas E. Dewey came closest and it was actually believed that the mustache sapped his credibility in Middle America.

I grew one once and even have some old photos somewhere showing me with sort of a blondish mess beneath my nose. It looked horrible and did not last long. I later opted for a full beard, which looked better – but not much.

But, for some, the mustache is an almost essential accouterment. It ‘works’. It works to the degree that the normal mustache wearer looks naked and ineffectual without it.

Who are the great mustache-wearers of our culture?

Clark Gable: In his early films, like It Happened One Night, he was clean-shaven. At that time he was an able enough actor, but not necessarily thrilling. But then the mustache came in the late 1930s, and nobody could conceive of Rhett Butler having the panty-wetting dash he did in Gone With the Wind were he devoid of the mustache.

Tom Selleck: The poor-man’s Gable in many respects would never have been Magnum if he had been cleanly shorn. I have seen him in the odd vehicle without one and it just doesn’t work.

Sam Elliot: Generally given to playing grizzled cowboys these days, the dude (pictured above) defines what a wonderful retro full mustache should be. How could you not trust a man who looked like that? Again, clean-shaven he is pretty much nothing, but in full bloom, it all works. It would not work for 98% of men.

Groucho Marx: Good old Groucho, he gets to be mentioned twice in this blog, and he deserves to. In his early stage and film work he was minus mustache, but the image of having one worked so well for him that he painted it on. Later, in You Bet Your Life days, the mustache was for real. The Groucho leer would have never worked without it.

George Clooney: Sometimes he’s had one, sometimes he hasn’t. The bastard would look good in anything, alas. I hate males that even other males can recognize as being too good looking for their own good.

Burt Reynolds: In the days when he still had some credibility – and prior to some atrocious cosmetic surgery – Burt had a certain amount of dashing impact. Again he has been clean-shaven and mustached. Mustached always worked better.

Grandpa Walton: Of course. All good grandpas have trustworthy looking mustaches. Mine did. For some reason, though, all his wise counselling didn't prevent John-Boy from turning into a dork.

By the way, I am not planning to grow one. It would still look horrible on me.




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23 Comments:

Blogger Jazz said...

Oh god. The 70s are back...

I was flipping through old pictures recently and came across my sister's and brother's wedding pics.

Both my brother and my B-i-l wore mustaches back then.

They look like the stereotype of the terrorist.

What will Homeland Security do if 'staches come back? Arrest every male in the airports?

9:47 AM  
Blogger Leslie Hawes said...

I like to watch a man shave.

9:52 AM  
Blogger Casdok said...

Couldnt you grow one so we could see?!

10:10 AM  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I'm not into the hair lip liner on men. Nor for when I see it on myself!!

11:18 AM  
Blogger Lily said...

God, John Boy was a dork, wasn't he?? I always prefered Jim Bob. He was a dork too though...hmm...

1:22 PM  
Blogger Tanya Brown said...

As Deb said, I'm not so fond of my own mustache. My husband's, though ... mmmm. There's something magic about the different textures.

I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one, Ian. I'm a definite proponent of male hair, facial and otherwise.

2:29 PM  
Blogger laughingwolf said...

my kids were in their 20s before they saw me without a beard... 'stache, never! ;) lol

3:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just read through the comments and had to pause for a moment of thanks to the line of non-hairy women from which I descended.

My ex had one when we met and it suited him. Some men look good in them. But the problem is that men's facial hair doesn't feel good. To the woman, I mean.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

Well, here's my two cents.

I love the goatee. I don't know why. I don't know how. Mustaches, not so much.
But a goatee?
~melt~

8:29 PM  
Blogger Janice Thomson said...

I like a beard - on some. I but not 'staches and like Deb certainly not on myself either LOL

8:51 PM  
Blogger meggie said...

I note, when talking of moustaches, Hitler's is not mentioned??
Those whiskery fashions of the 70s brought some very ugly results. Gom grew a moustache briefly. Once he shaved it off, his moustachioed boss said "Thank God, It looked ludicrous" Gom could not help but look at his bosses 'tache with wonder?
My brother has the 'full set' - wouldnt be himself without it. Generally, it is not my taste--on men or women!haha.

12:01 AM  
Blogger dee said...

The husband had one years ago. No matter how careful one is they always tend to have something imbedded that just makes it impossible to focus on anythhing the wearer is saying and, instead, on the offending...whatever...ugh!
Even George Clooney would be gross with leftover breakfast in his stash. I'd would, however, be happy to tell him so in person.

4:27 AM  
Blogger laughingwolf said...

forgot one, ian: lanny macdonald

4:59 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

Sam Elliot is the coolest guy, ever! (Next to you, of course.) ;)

9:24 AM  
Blogger Wenderina said...

Ian - loved your response to questionnaire in my comment area...will point people there on 3/31.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Dumdad said...

Every two years or so I grow a full beard (and therefore a moustache) but the wife hates it. I like not shaving but once the beard needs attention then it defeats the object and I shave it off.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Ellee Seymour said...

I'm not a tash fan, glad to hear you will remain clean shaven Ian.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Dita said...

Geez, I woudn't want to grow one either. I laughed at the words "Retro" and "mustache" in the same sentence.

Sam Elliot is probably the only man who wears it well.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Hermes said...

But what a president was Teddy R! Sure he looked a little sinister, but beneath the stache, we find a man. I would vote for Teddy today, hair on his lip or not.

8:33 PM  
Blogger beachgirl said...

My older brother has always had a mustache. My younger brother too. But they are stuck in the 70's.

Down here in South Florida Goatee's are huge. Neat and tight, wide, dyed some hideous reddish brown, you get the idea. Or my favorite, a patch of wild facial hair just below the lower lip. Why?

Now my boyfriend keeps his goatee very thin and tight. Watching him shave is a lesson in patience. If he goofs, it only takes 2 days to re-grow his face in.

I hope all is well in your world.

6:17 PM  
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11:11 PM  
Blogger geewits said...

My second husband had a moustache and all he did was complain about it.

12:18 AM  
Blogger heiresschild said...

i hate Tom Selleck's mustache.

one of the worse things for me to see is a man sporting a mustache and/or beard, and it's not groomed--like Fred Sanford. ugh!!!

7:34 AM  

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