Horace and Paris: May the tie never be broken

“Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.”
HoraceMann

I discovered this quote the other day and I must confess I was impressed with this little philosophical gem. It answers virtually all that we need to know about life and why we are here. In the case of Horace himself, he did win a victory for humanity and is to be commended for it.

What he did was to found the public school system in the US. He believed that education should not be a matter of social status, open only to the little toffs and toffettes of post-Revolution American society, but should be a right of every darn tad in the place. Indeed, the first American public school was established in Lexington, Massachusetts in 1839, and the concept spread like wildfire. Victory for humanity, indeed.

Now, in considering Horace’s thoughts on the matter, I wondered if I had ever won a victory for humanity. I’ve never discovered a cure for a disease; I’ve never invented anything important, like the Segway or Slinky; I’ve never written a treatise that has led to a wide and enlightened philosophical movement; no religions have my name connected with them, so I guess Tom Cruise aces me on that one; I’ve never written a wonderful romantic song that has brought an estranged couple back together; I’ve never ditched my wife and linked up with a big-lipped movie star and gone off to adopt the world’s waifs, like Brad has; I’ve never even become the world authority on African poverty like Bono; or solved global warming like Al.

Maybe I still have some work to do before I leave this life.

And, there is somebody else who has some work to do, and she should
perhaps look to the wisdom of Horace. Evidently Paris Hilton, newly sprung from the joint, told Larry King she has turned over a new leaf (the old one was rather stained with stuff I don’t even want to mention here) and is going to devote her life to noble pursuits and “helping others.”

Good on you, girl! That’s what I’ve been lying awake nights waiting to hear you say. Man, nothing like a good stint in the calaboose to straighten somebody out and get their priorities right, that’s what I’ve always advocated.

So, that considered, what can Paris do to help others? What could her contribution, a la Horace, be? There must be something that will permit her to be just a little bit more than a waste-of-space.

Well, she could:

1. Aid the deprived of the world: While Africa’s pretty much sewn up by Bono and Geldof, there are always the downmarket areas on the fringes of Beverly Hills. Those people are needy, girl, so share what you have to offer.
2. Do her bit for climate change by reducing her carbon footprint: First step, turn down the temperature on the pool heater and lecture community groups on the virtue of so doing.
3. Become a scholar: No more computer acronyms to be used the moment she finds out what ‘acronym’ means.
4. Familiarize herself with the Third World: Check out how the Hilton chain is doing in such trouble spots as France (hey, they had riots there, and the people are forced to speak a foreign language), England (Haven’t you people abused Kate Moss enough?), Hawaii (I had a gecko in my suite at the Hawaiian Village. Reptiles in the room are a plague there), Jamaica (Too close to Haiti where there are really poor people; kind of lowers the tone); Iraq (I think we used to have a hotel in Baghdad. I haven’t seen any brochures about it lately. Maybe I should go there and give the staff a pep talk.)

I am sure there is much more that Paris can do with her newfound quest for meaning in her life. First step was her admission to Larry that she was a ‘little’ immature. I think she’s being too harsh on herself, but maybe that’s the sort of guts it will take to make the new ‘Paris Era’ take wings and fly.

She’s young yet, so she has lots of years to win “a victory for humanity.”