There's just something about a woman in uniform

In a cap she looked much older,
And the bag across her shoulder
Made her look a little like a military man …
Lovely Rita
The Beatles

It has long been known that a man in uniform can evoke attacks of the vapors in females. There is something about the regimentation of the uniform that gives the impression of authority and huge masculinity.

It’s a lesser-known fact that women in uniform can have similar effects on males. Certainly on this male they can. I suppose the ultimate costuming appeal for men comes from the obvious ones, like the traditional white nurse’s garb. Be still my heart, and shades of Florence Nightingale. Nurses will attest to the fact that a guy can be 96 and minutes from death but he will still attempt to make a feeble pass at this vision in white.

Stewardi (flight attendants) have also been forced countless times to politely thwart the pathetic advances of creeps into their fourth martini (since boarding), and that too has something to do with the uniform and the certain authority that comes with it.

Women in the military, too, are regularly having to confront the sometimes distasteful attitudes of their male comrades-in-arms and this has caused no end of trouble – mainly because the men are chauvinistic creeps and the women are, well, there. In a morally-bankrupt ‘superior’ this is sometimes seen as licence to exploit. Despicable behavior for which there is no excuse.

But, I am not immune to women in uniform and all that they convey. I wish nurses, for example, would go back to ‘Nurse Betty’ garb, and flight attendants can make a long overnighter ‘interesting.’ There’s a personal story there, but I won’t elaborate on it here.

But, for me, it was a police uniform that besotted me. Explicitly, a red-serge 'Mountie' tunic. Yes, I confess, I once had a crush on a cop. Oh, don’t worry, it was a purely innocent schoolboy crush (though I was long past the age of being a schoolboy) revolving around a very pretty female who happened to be a member of the RCMP.

It began when I took some photos of her for a newspaper article. She was indeed bedecked in Red Serge, with the wide-brimmed hat and all the trappings of the uniform. I took a bunch of conventional pictures and then I took one of her standing up through the sunroof of a VW a local dealer had donated to the area schools’ DARE program. She was doing a Queen Elizabeth wave. “You didn’t take a picture of me doing that,” she squealed. I laughed.

The next day the paper hit the streets and there, in full color and large size on the front page was my crushee with her queenly wave. It turned out well and, I began to wonder what she would look like with the red serge tunic above, and black lace garter-belt and hose below. Oh, and of course, she would also have the gun-belt on. It’s OK. It was just an idle thought, and you can bet Dudley Do-Right had had similar ones in the past.

“You’re going to be in big trouble,” said her superior at the daily police press conference later in the day of the paper. “You’ve pissed somebody off and she’s going to be looking for you,” he said, albeit with a twinkle in his eye. “Just remember two things: she’s a woman, and she’s armed.” I gather she’d been razzed royally.

Anyway, the end result was that my cop and I became quite good friends, since her sense of humor was as good as mine.

A few years later she and I professionally interconnected at another level. She was about 8 months pregnant and was serving on a committee in the community concerned about fetal alcohol syndrome in children. She was on leave from the RCMP, but could share a certain amount of expertise. Anyway, her particular area of concern was whether nursing mothers should consume alcohol and, if so, in what amounts?

So, there we are. My crushee and I at a table in a coffee joint, she with pregnancy bosom swollen talking about nursing and whether she would abstain during the process. I formed images in my mind, and worked to dispel them – not always successfully.

But, as I said at the outset, it was all in innocence and, eventually she got transferred from the area (which happens with the RCMP) and I’m sure she’s evoking ‘copper-crushes’ wherever she is.