Tuesday, June 19, 2007

It's Father's Day Plus Three -- Time to get on with it

Now that it’s Father’s Day Plus Three maybe it’s high time that I wrote something about Dear Old Dad.

I’ve made oblique references to him in various blogs, as I have made reference to my childhood and both my parents. As I’ve said, I envy those of you who had a good relationship with your parents. I did not. Neither did my brothers. My childhood family is not the one pictured, just in case you were wondering. Although, I confess that Beaver looks a bit like my brother did at that age.

Anyway, in all of that I am long past feeling cheated. My childhood was what it was and maybe (just maybe) they did the best they could. But, I no longer dwell on it and with that thought in mind; I thought I might be able to express myself dispassionately about my father.

Shortly after he died, and I had never made any sort of amends to him (nor he to me), a counsellor friend suggested I might try writing a posthumous letter. Good idea, thought I. And I did that. And what began as a message of connection turned into a diatribe in which I wrote exactly what I thought. Hey, I thought (then) don’t nobody go layin’ no forgive and forget shit on me. And, whew, I got a lot of stuff off my chest.

Anyway, my father died in early July 1996. My mother had succumbed to a surfeit of vodka in 1992. And, despite their confrontational and never happy marriage (which I have hinted at before), my dad just went holus-bolus downhill from there. In the ensuing four years he aged at least ten, and was a frail old, old man when he died. He was only 80. I know guys of over 80 who are still playing tennis and skiing.

He retired in 1981. Prior to his retirement he was a college dean. He was a dynamic and vital guy, largely married to his job, and had been very successful; rising from a vocational instructor to one of the big guns in vocational and trade training for British Columbia. I was impressed by his accomplishments. What I wasn’t impressed about was when colleagues would praise his virtues and tell me what a terrific guy he was. “Maybe to you,” I would think, but not express. “To his family he’s a sonofabitch; hypercritical: a cheapskate; belligerent; rage-aholic, utterly sparing with any compliment, etc. etc.

Once, a while after he died, his sister (who adored him) informed me that my farther had kept every word I’d ever written. “He was very proud of you,” Aunt Freda said. “Could have fooled me,” I replied. “If he was proud of me, he never passed that word in my direction.” Freda was amazed, and saddened.

But, you know, as time passes on I think I have made a sort of peace with him and gained something of an understanding. My grandfather, his father, was a very successful lawyer (a defender and a prosecutor at different times). He was also a man of much culture. He acted, he sang, he actually hung out with and even performed with some notables. He was actually friends with Jack Benny and his wife, Mary Livingstone. All of which I thought was amazingly cool. My grandfather and I got along like gangbusters.
My grandfather and dad didn’t. My grandfather thought my dad had never amounted to much. So, he skipped the generation and bestowed his beneficence on me. He even left his library to me, not to his eldest son.

In retrospect I realize that was really crappy. Maybe it explained a bit about why my dad was the way he was. Maybe it allows me to hearken to a few reasonably good times with him.

Periodically something will happen and I will think, Dad would be interested in that. I wish I could tell him about it.

There is strength and grace in forgiveness and, believe me, I’m working at it. Not losing sleep over it, but I am working at it.

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14 Comments:

Blogger Heidi said...

It's so hard when u lose a parent and these " days" come upon us.

Hugs~

4:18 PM  
Blogger Voyager said...

Ian, I admire you. You face the hard stuff, but don't wallow in it, you rise above it.
I've often heard that forgiving is an act one does for oneself, not for the person that wronged you. But I don't think that makes forgiveness any easier.
V.

5:19 PM  
Blogger jmb said...

It's interesting that finally you can write about it here. Also interesting that despite his accomplishments his very successful father never valued them. You have to wonder what his father was like.

I'm glad you can remember a few occasions when you shared something good.

Hopefully with all this self knowledge and psychology stuff out there, we have learned to act differently with our own children.

Now that I've "done" my father I'm working up to my mother. Another not so pleasant task.
regards
jmb

5:47 PM  
Blogger Ian Lidster said...

JMB I thank you for your comments, and I haven't yet mustered whatever it takes to deal with 'Mother'. That's a whole other thing.
And Voyager, I thank you for the compliment and comments about forgiveness. I consciously chose to not 'wallow' a few years ago. I've seen too many people destroyed by bitterness over age-old issues. Dear old Mom was a prime example.
And Heidi, hug back at you.
Ian

5:58 PM  
Blogger andrea said...

Ian -- it's interesting that you should post this on a day when a huge weight was lifetd off my shoulders re. my own 80 y.o. dad. I had arranged for Social Services to assess him so I could put him on the waiting list for an assisted care facility and was dreading telling him. But I think the 'groundwork' my brothers and I did on this 'project' finally paid off as he was quite docile about the whole touchy matter. Then again maybe it's just the good weather. :) (And it looks like we have more than a thing or two in common in the parntal dept.)

6:58 PM  
Blogger andrea said...

PS I should proofread more often, sholud'tn I?

7:00 PM  
Blogger heiresschild said...

hi ian, i remember once when you wrote about your dad, i wrote how i never liked my dad and was never close with him. then i thought that might be a bit harsh, so i came back and deleted it. well, i still feel the same way, and this time i won't delete this.

i always liked "leave it to beaver" and "bachelor father" and "father knows best" and "the cosby show."

7:44 PM  
Blogger Belizegial said...

Forgiveness clears the way for you Ian to find the good in your Dad.

Congrats to Wendy on her recent achievement of her MBA.

Enid

10:32 PM  
Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sometimes I think it's unfair that the grown child of unloving parents must also be the one to do the hard work of forgiving.

Still, it is to our advantage to put old demons to rest because pain holds us down in strange ways. The inadequate parent creeps into the very stronghold of our minds and continues to hurt us in our own voice.

Fairness becomes irrelevant compared to our survival.

Good luck with this difficult project. I am working on the same kind, and progress is uneven.

12:18 AM  
Blogger Jazz said...

I can't help wondering what type of person your Grandfather was. You know, repetition of patterns and all that pop psych psycobabble...

6:58 AM  
Blogger Janice Thomson said...

We are never through learning all life's lessons are we Ian. So far you have done a remarkable job of forgiving and in time even your mother will know the compassion that lies in your heart.

10:11 AM  
Blogger geewits said...

Wow. That brought back memories. My Dad was some of those things: belligerant, rage-aholic. Everyone LOVED him and would say, "We wish your dad was our dad." It drove my brother and me nuts. I was one of the lucky ones that realized at a very early age (early twenties) that my parents were just two people. Just two regular people with their own warts and foibles. My brother still has all sorts of issues and I just feel sorry for him. People are just people. I guess I'm lucky I figured that out a long time ago.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Bibi said...

This was a very honest piece, and I know it takes courage (at least for me) to lay things that bare.

I really belive that choosing not to wallow is the best gift you can give to yourself. My mother always jokes, screw the forgive bit, just forget! ;-)

9:02 AM  
Blogger CS said...

I think (I hope) I have finally reached some sense of peace and forgiveness about my father. He's still living, but not here in any sense that has meaning for me. But it doesn't seem to profit me to hold on to anger so I have largely let it go.

5:59 PM  

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