Sunday, December 07, 2008

Sorry, God, but it just doesn't seem right/or seething resentment by me

Expectations are premeditated resentments

In continuing with my quest to become one of the finest human beings to have every walked the planet I realize I still haven’t made the living saint grade when it comes to ‘resentment.’

When resentment still rears its ugly head once in a while I get exasperated with myself. That’s because I detest ‘poor me’ people and I don’t want to be associated with them.

And I like to think ‘my’ God doesn’t like them, either. God hates whiners. By the way, my God looks like the Michelangelo Sistine Chapel God who touches Adam’s finger. I don’t know why, but mainly because that is what I’d like God to look like. Sort of like Ronnie Hawkins but slimmer.

“So, not happy wit’ what ya got? Take dat den!” says my God. My God has a Brooklyn accent when he feels he has to sound tough. Otherwise, it’s good old New Testament parlance. No, not with the ‘thees and thous and begats’, that’s English from the time of King James, but ancient Hebrew chat. Nobody can understand that much any more, so that’s why he goes to Brooklyn. He thinks it sounds cool and really digs Joe Pesci.

Anyway, enough theological digression, and back to resentment.

My resentment this week comes from the news I heard that somebody I know has had a book published. That really bites. I mean, I am usually happy for authors who get their stuff published, but in this case I’m resentful. I’m resentful because I know this guy. I won’t elaborate on how I do, but I am pretty familiar with his ‘skill-set’ as a writer. Familiar yet never impressed. By ‘never impressed’ I mean he is nowhere near as good at this soul-destroying, solitary craft as am I.

In saying this, I don’t mean to infer that he is a nasty or unintelligent person, for that would be true. It’s just that he never impressed me as much of a writer, so why in hell does he have a book published before I do? Whatever he wrote certainly couldn’t be more effective than my prose. I know it couldn’t be. I used to see the stuff he did years ago.

So, I have been left with a simmering and seething resentment. Do I hate him for meeting with a modicum of success? Not at all. I am happy for him. My resentment lies more in the direction of my own ego that tends to take rejection badly and tells me that just because a manuscript has been rejected by, say, seven publishers, then I must give up. My work is obviously inferior and how dare I impose such drivel on a self-respecting publisher? On the other hand, if I were to learn that my friend had his MS accepted after only sending it off to five publishers, I am going to be really pissed.

I also know I can be just the tiniest bit lazy about this whole publishing business. After I have done all the dog work of writing the book, painstakingly editing it, exhorting Wendy to equally painstakingly edit it, making whatever revisions are called for, and so forth, I feel I have done 'my' job and in truth publishers should be knocking my door down.

Unfortunately, that doesn't happen very much at all to virtually any writer. Publishers are self-involved bastards that believe that writers should kiss their pretty bums and approach them cap in hand, always. Well, I do a bit of the obsequious and smarmy stuff, and then grow weary of it. That is why at least two completed manuscripts are collecting electronic dust on my hard drive and on CD Roms while other jerks are getting published. RESENTMENT, I tell ya.


Back to my ego. I do tend to take rejection badly, no matter how long I’ve been in the writing business. I forget that other writers of note have had stuff rejected by, in some cases, hundreds of publishers before they meet with acceptance and a genuine blockbuster is released to avid readers.

I also must consider the wisdom of my initial premise which means I should never send off something with expectations.

I always do.

Rats!


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16 Comments:

Blogger Hermes said...

I always thought Micaelangelo's God was drawn exactly as a comic book superhero. He even made his figures' heads too small in order to make their shoulders look larger and more powerful. I could never understand how Michaelangelo could be considered a genius while comic book artists are considered as commercial workers. Pheh.

Think of all the crap books that have been published. The quality of prose does not determine what gets published, nor does it determine what survives in the western canon. You hit the nail ont he head witht the marketing thing. You have to be able to market yourself and this is not the same skill as writing. It also requires a bit of luck, unfortunately. In any art. But I get the feeling you write because you like to. That's what will happen whether you break through or not. Meantime, feel resentment. Let it flavour your next opus.

3:47 PM  
Blogger andrea said...

Don't fret. When yours is published it'll blow his out of the water.

6:21 PM  
Blogger Gari in AL said...

Don't you think that book publishing is kind of like music: some of the worst stuff gets either published or recorded (& played).

7:03 PM  
Blogger Warty Mammal said...

I think your gut reaction is correct: whether or not something gets published is not a good metric for whether it's well-written or not. It may, however, be reflective of sheer luck, who one knows, and whether the publisher thinks the book will make a buck. If Britney Spears wished to have a book ghostwritten about how she'd been taken aboard a flying saucer and had her orifices probed, that book would probably get published. Alas.

I think you're taking this much better than I would. Think gritted teeth, stalking around the house muttering and my raving to my husband about how the fellow is only a two bit hack, and what does he have that I don't, anyhow? Think of me bumping into the fellow who sold his book and sweetly saying "Oh, yes. I saw that on the remainder table recently!" or commenting that I didn't know that grade of paper was made anymore, I thought it had gone out with pulp magazines in the fifties.

See? You really aren't such a bad fellow after all, are you?

7:24 PM  
Blogger Deb Sistrunk Nelson said...

Life is definitely not fair when it comes to traditional publishing! Have you considered getting self-published? It's worth considering. Just make sure that you work with a reputable company, should you choose this route.

I definitely agree with Andrea. Your day is coming, and you'll definitely knock 'em out the water.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Deb Sistrunk Nelson said...

BTW, I really like the graphic. Nice touch.

7:54 PM  
Blogger vivavavoom said...

ahhh...an artist is the same no matter what medium. your honesty is refreshing. when you have a chance if you can go check out the hubby at www.flyovercity.blogspot.com....it's the first link on my page. I had to give him a shout out to you because you are a true writer and he is a tortured true writer trying to find others. he is of a different sort maybe. he is trying to do a fiction novel on a blog format. to me bizarre...but I am NO writer! just a reader of other people who can write like you. keep doing it...it will get published!!!

9:59 PM  
Blogger French Fancy... said...

I'm sure you already know that J K Rowling was rejected 18 times when she sent the first Harry Potter manuscript around the circuit. However, it doesn't make it easier that a writer you consider to be not very good gets the contract before you do. His book probably won't sell.

8:59 AM  
Blogger meg said...

I know what you mean.
I wish I could be someone like JK Rowling, & just write money!!
I can't understand why you have not been published, as your writing is always very interesting to me.

1:21 PM  
Blogger meg said...

Erm... I have just read that JK Rowling was rejected 18 times! I hadn't known that, but since I have never read any of her books, why would I? haha.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Leslie Hawes said...

Yes, but I bet he doesn't have a rockin' blog...

1:25 PM  
Blogger Leslie Hawes said...

Hahahhaha...God sounds like Joe Pesci...heheheheh

1:27 PM  
Blogger geewits said...

This made me think of what Urban Animal has on her side bar:

I also learned that it's not worth comparing yourself to others as there will always be people in better and worse situations than yours. It's too easy to fall into that trap and be eternally unhappy. Me, I like my little jungle :)

I think she's very wise. Besides, you're too old for this sort of thing. I gave it up years ago. Resentment (envy) will just eat away at you like a cancer. Don't go there.

10:44 PM  
Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Robert Pirsig got 121 rejections before "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" was published.

It will happen for you, too. When the time is right, the book appears. The gods are not going to waste your book on inferior conditions, although they may be quite good enough for HIS book.

I wonder if Flip could be your God. He grew up in Los Angeles but whenever he is angry, he speaks Brooklynese, the kind that made me cringe when I was growing up, accentless, in New York.

12:38 AM  
Blogger noneofyourbusiness said...

Ian, please don't be discouraged. You're a wonderful writer ... an exceptional writer! Your posts are reflective, insightful, honest, blunt ...

Your day will come! Hang in there, don't give up!

I, for one, will definitely purchase any book you write ... (and will mail 'em to you for autographs! ;o)

9:09 AM  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I wonder sometimes if "resentment" gets knocked on a bit too much. Expressing resentment can be a very validating experience. One that allows emotions and thinking to work side by side. Of course, living with resentment 24/7/365 would not be a good experience.

I also have seen authors get books published while my MS is still moving slowly through its edits. I have read great books and others that boggle my mind, "How on earth did this get published?" Anyway, the resentment and frustration I feel gets re-routed to my passion and drive. I always like to think that I'll get to the party. I may be late, or have to get there the long way, but I will be there.

And so will you.

Maybe we can celebrate our books being published in the near future.

12:55 PM  

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