Thursday, January 15, 2009

Treat your children well




I don’t mean to be a hardass about this.

Wait a minute, yes I do. I do despite the fact then sentiments I will express will fly in the face of whatever libertarian impulses I might hold. Impulses that suggest that the state should fuck off out of interfering in people’s life as much as it does.

But, I have to say this.

I think the state should seize all children living in drug-addicted or alcoholic homes in which no attempt at rehab has been undertaken.

This isn’t a new thought for me, but it is one that came back the other day when I learned that a client had lost custody of her daughter to the child’s father.

Now, Mom is a very pretty and stylish woman in her early 30s. She is bright and very articulate and looks like a model – which she has been at times. She has a little girl, and mother and daughter are thoroughly devoted to each other.

Sounds OK, no?

Except for one thing. Mom is a crackhead and has been for many years and, as is the case with drug use, her centre is beginning to fly apart. More recently the child’s father had applied for custody of the kid, citing what he regarded as an unsafe home environment.

In that, he would be right. In the home would come dope dealers. To call dope-dealers unsavoury sorts would be to state the case mildly. Yet the child lives in that home. How Mom gets the money to pay for her substance, I don’t really want to ask. Yet, the daughter lives in that house. Mom, sometimes out of it (probably oftimes out of it, since drug users are ‘always’ liars) doesn’t get out of the sack on time to get child to school. School complains. Yet the child continued to live in that house.

Until Dad and the courts intervened. They found that Mom had not been vigilant in working on herself in terms of keeping counselling appointments and she, like Amy Winehouse, categorically refused to go to rehab. Client actually didn’t even bother to get a lawyer, believing (for some remarkably idiotic reason) the court would find in her favor.

It didn’t.

I’m glad it didn’t. Maybe this will be the two-by-four to the head she needs. Maybe this will knock her out of denial. Or maybe it won’t.

I do feel bad for her because I like her. But I am also happy for the kid, because she will be away from the insanity that drug addiction invariably brings about.

So I say, if a home is a threatening situation for a child, then the child should be removed until parents can get a grip on their personal demons and take charge of their lives. Until they can take charge of their own lives, they have lost the right to be in charge of the lives of vulnerable youngsters.

In this I don’t just include drug houses, but also alcoholic houses. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. Mom was a subtle lush and never beat us or was overtly cruel. But, the inner cruelty stemmed from emotional neglect and loss of trust by children.

That causes mucho damage. My brother and I have worked diligently throughout the years, and not always successfully, to surmount the damage done. We’ve both made it, but it took a lot of work and also took a toll not only on us, but on those we loved. Bro and I have five marriages between us, and there are only two of us. It shouldn't have been like this. The third brother never has picked himself up from the emotional morass and has remained a highly dysfunctional human being throughout his life.

When I was a boy we used to drive past an orphanage on the way to my grandfather’s house. I would see the children at play on the grounds of the orphanage. They looked like they were having fun. I kind of envied them, in truth.

That kind of gives you an idea of what I mean. Children in addicted homes are cheated, and ultimately society pays the cost of that.

OK, next blog will be light-hearted, I promise.

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19 Comments:

Blogger Dr. Deb said...

The circle of life has more patterns in it than we realize!

11:33 AM  
Blogger Big Brother said...

Amen to that. As a teacher I've seen too many screwed up kids because of a toxic home life... I've always felt that there should be one more circle in Dante's hell especially for parents that ruin their kids lives...

4:45 PM  
Blogger Warty Mammal said...

Just because your mom didn't beat you doesn't mean you didn't suffer and that you didn't pay. Neglect and emotional distance can be powerful forces in a young person's life. Just ask the 15-year-old who's knocked up because daddy didn't pay attention to her, so she looked for attention in a randy young male's arms.

I do wish we as a society were sterner about the situation you outlined. Unfortunately, there would still be a lot of children falling through the cracks. My own father "wasn't an alcoholic and could stop drinking any time he wanted". I still cringe remembering how when he was drunk, he'd give my two-year-old brother a can of beer to knock back.

6:50 PM  
Blogger Pearl said...

You do have a point. I used to be a court reporter and I was amazed at how much it took, here in the U.S., to cause someone to lose parental rights.
Pearl

7:11 PM  
Blogger jmb said...

I'm sure it is a dilemma for social services to intervene in these cases but it is better to consider the well being of the child above all else.

I saw the case of the granddaughter of a friend who blossomed when taken in by her aunt and uncle after her mother lost custody because of her addictions. At five, she on occasion took responsibility for her mother, when she was out of it. How awful is that.

9:36 PM  
Blogger meggie said...

I once went for a holiday with my father, who was apart from my mother. I was 10 at the time. I remember my father giving me wine, & everyone laughing as I turned giddy, & started running about. I had forgotten about it, until I read WM's comment. I guess I was lucky I didn't grow up with my father! Alcohol in our house was a Christmas or celebation treat, & kids were not allowed any!

2:51 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

I would also add that there should be obligatory parenting classes for all expecting children- it's hardest thing anyone will ever undertake to do, and the only guidance we ever have is from our own upbringing and childhood. Thus ensuring that history repeats itself whether we know it or not.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Synchronicity said...

I guess I have a lot of thoughts on this. My father was an alcoholic and died from it. But I do wish he had lived and...maybe I am naive but I wished that I had grown up knowing him.

orphanages...foster homes...they aren't fun. my siblings went to a foster home and were beaten and neglected and no drugs or alcohol was involved.

but then later in my life i did an internship with people who had addictions and some had lost their kids...and rightfully so. they were unfit parents.

i don't know what the answer is. it just isn't black and white.

oh and hey...i have an award over at my place for you!

6:56 PM  
Blogger kimber said...

If a person doesn't strive to make themself a better person for the sake of their child, then the whole point of parenthood is lost. Kids challenge us to be greater human beings. :)

*themself? It just looks wrong. But what does one use to be non-gender-specific?

11:33 PM  
Blogger geewits said...

On the one hand, I wholeheartedly agree with you. My second husband, also a libertarian at heart still thought that people should have to pass both financial and emotional tests in order to become parents. On the other hand, some of our most creative geniuses have risen from the ashes of tumultuous childhoods. Wouldn't our society become stagnant if everyone had a lovely childhood?

12:13 AM  
Blogger Eastcoastdweller said...

So often, though, addicted/abusive/neglectful adults began as children who grew up in that same kind of environment.

I know, it's no excuse and people ought to be stronger.

But once the evil has sunk its roots into a human soul, it's virtually impossible to extricate it.

5:30 AM  
Blogger Middle Ditch said...

Hmmmmmm difficult one. Care homes are no fun.

We have had children dying through neglect even though the social services were involved with those families.

My neighbour was the stepmother from hell but the kids made me swear not to intervene because they were frightened to be split up.

Good post

7:23 AM  
Blogger Deb Sistrunk Nelson said...

Another thoughtful post. BTW, I agree with Dr. Deb.

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. And yet I also grieve for children who are removed since there is often uch abuse in foster homes as well.

6:17 PM  
Blogger Lawfrog said...

Working as a divorce attorney exposed me to a lot of "Oh my God, why were you ever allowed to breed, you psychopath crackhead" situations. This is one of the reasons I stopped taking child custody cases. It was just too much...the details of the lives of those children were enough to give Stephen King nightmares.

10:13 PM  
Blogger paisley said...

having been a crackhead myself for many years at one point in my life,, i can vouch for the fact that children have no place in that environment... i do question children being turned over as wards of the court,, but i do think if other more suitable housing can be found it should be... and as quickly as possible.....

4:28 AM  
Blogger Jazz said...

Amen to that Ian!

8:48 AM  
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