Girls gone mild

This recession is cutting deep into the well-being of many people in contemporary society and it comes to light that even the paparazzi are suffering and that layoffs are imminent for the slimy camera wielders. That’s just not right and for that we can only blame the subjects.

To the professional Hollywood slutbunnies all I can say is, come on, people, folk are trying to make a living out there and you, in your normal self-indulgent and heedless ways are doing your level best to make things tougher.

Take a look at the horrors that are abroad with certain broads and you will see what I mean:

For the last six months Britney has only removed her undies in private like the rest of us do. No leering camera fodder in her limo exits these days.

Paris is continuing to be moronic and wasteful, but she is doing it fully clothed and if she is coiting anybody you’re not going to find documentation on Youtube.

Amy Winehouse (the only one of the crew with discernable talent, and she has a lot of it) has supposedly shunned drugs and is trying to heal, so no more topless antics in the streets of Chelsea at 3 a.m.

Lindsay is still kind of carrying on. But, she is professing sometimes that she is gay (a kind of Ann Heche situational gayness maybe) and is in a committed relationship, and sometimes she isn’t. Who cares? Probably somebody.

There is some sort of child person name Miley Cyrus who is about nine, I think, and is of absolutely no interest to anybody with a lick of taste or maturity. She is, I believe, the rather pedestrian looking daughter of the Achy-breaky Heart guy. Nuff sed?

No, it’s the mainstream bimbos who are letting us and the economy down. Britney, Paris and Lindsay, come on girls. Get drunk, throw panties aside and screw like there’s no tomorrow and you will do more for the state of international finance than any bailout will do.

You’ll also do a great deal for all the “I may be bad but I’m better than that trash” people who glean the supermarket checkout for smutty tab stories. In other words, what are those aforementioned tabs going to write about other than Oprah’s weight woes and whether or not Laura is chucking 'Dubbya' out this week for boozing and fornication? Boring. Yetm one discarding of her Haines for Hers by any of the babes can keep these mags from going under.

And think of the plight of poor old Perez Hilton. How long is he going to be able to survive trotting out bite-after-bite on sinewy and obnoxious Madonna, willowy patrician but utter bore Gwynneth, or the even more tiresome ‘Brangelina’ co-creature, with whom Perez seems to be inexplicably in love and assumes everybody else is? As for Tom Cruise tittle-tattle, well everybody thinks he’s nuts and nobody cares.

But, the point is, babes, if Perez goes under, so goes much of the mindless gossip industry. Then what happens to the economy of a society whose cultural interests sometimes seem to run no deeper than the wit and wisdom of Adam Sandler? How on earth else can we otherwise explain the fact that the execrable (un)funnyman Howie Mandel has not only one, but now ‘two’ TV shows?

Get out there and doff nether garments for the sake of the economy, I say, and give Perez a reason to go on living while you’re at it.