Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Just let it go, me bucko!

Rare would be the human being that hasn’t suffered a major loss in his or her life, and the older you get the more losses you will undergo. Sorry, but it’s in the nature of the organism.

I have suffered a few losses that have stung like hell at the time, and the afterburn has lingered for varying lengths of time. Both my parents are gone now, and have been off bickering in some netherworld for more than a decade. I wonder if Mom still has to stash the vodka wherever she is. And, two marriages have gone kaput. I think those hurt more than the parental deaths for a number of reasons, none of which I’ll go into here. One marriage (the first one) went phhhhhhhhhhht! over many years. The second one just went pht. That was better in some respects, though it didn’t make it easier on the emotions. Didn’t make it easier for a highly significant reason.

I don’t regret the loss of that marriage and relationship, even though we did have some good times together. But, the nuptial cessation led to some significant growth on my part, and for that I’m eternally grateful. It also left me in a position to take up with somebody whom I love deeply and unconditionally and have (I hope) the tools now to keep the dynamic going there.

But, the significant reason for any residual pain from that 2nd marriage came about due to my step-daughter. You see, I’d never had children of my own for the simple reason that I was self-indulgent in my first marriage, and my wife frankly didn’t want a family. So, as a result of my self-indulgence, and my wife’s balking, I never pressed the point. That was foolish because, by the time of the marriage’s denouement I had come to realize how much I adored children and knew, by that point, I would have made a good parent.

Anyway, when I met my 2nd, she already had an 11-year-old daughter. Whoopie! A relationship with a built-in kid. What could be better? And, I loved that kid to bits. She was easy to love. She was pretty, and funny, and terribly smart, and musically and artistically talented, and didn’t hang out with sleazoids and crumbums. It was heavenly. Oh sure, there were glitches. The formerly ‘kidless’ take time to make the adjustment and to develop affection for loud music deep into the night, slumber parties, and juvenile moodiness of the sort that only girls entering puberty can exhibit. But, none of this was major and I continued to love her.

Then the marriage went asunder. And then Mom worked her magic on the kid to convince her (she was about 16 at the time) that I was a very bad person. This is normal behavior for Mom, and she had done the same thing with her daughter in all her 2,745 former relationships (that were going to last forever).

Anyway, damage done, I lost ‘my’ kid. I tried over the years to get in touch with her, but to no avail. Mom had done such a good job that even Mom told me that she later regretted it. Well, talk is kinda cheap, of course, especially if somebody wants a favor, as Mom has wanted the odd time over the years.

And that brings me back to the point of loss, and the most important aspect of the equation – acceptance. That is, letting go and letting life evolve as it will evolve. No small task. But, about a year ago I decided I had emotionally lingered long enough and made a conscious effort to put things into realistic context and to ‘let go.’ I mean, it is now over a decade, so persistence gets a bit silly. The kid is a mid-20s woman now, and has done well at all levels, so I’m happy for her. Even if I’m also a teeny bit resentful that she, as a mature woman, cannot be bothered to find out the reality of what she was told.

But, it’s a sunny day, and that today, as in living in the moment, is what really counts. That and the fact that the invoice I mentioned a couple of blogs ago has been received and the payment is in the mail.

But, as a final thought, how have you dealt with losses in your lives?

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13 Comments:

Blogger Ellee Seymour said...

I'm sorry you are no longer in contact with your step-daughter whose thinking has been conditioned by her mother, which happens in these circumstances. If only you could email her a link to this post, that might help to start building bridges again, I'm sure she will understand.

Remember, life is too short for regrets, especially when you have the chance to turn them round.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Jazz said...

I have a nasty habit of dealing by... well not dealing at all actually. I just take whatever it is and stuff it into the drawer and ignore it. I foresee a day when the drawer will be too full and the whole messiness will explode. Then I'll deal... or build a bigger drawer.

Until then I ponder words like crumbum...

12:28 PM  
Blogger Janice Thomson said...

What a thought-provoking post Ian...it is hard to let go. I believe as your daughter matures and pays her own dues in life she will return. It's not until we have our own children that we realize what life is about and some of the aha's! come to light. One can still let go and yet still carry that love as you have done. Hopefully someday, now that she's an adult, she will begin to question what she was told. It is good to know that you are moving on Ian.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Leesa said...

We all deal with loss, and sometimes I wonder if it is hard to compare young loss to an older loss. Very interesting thoughts.

Makes me want to write.

8:33 AM  
Blogger Moof said...

Ian - you knocked my socks off with this one. You said a lot about who you are on the inside ...

My own parents have been gone for decades - my father will have been gone for exactly 2 decades in October, and my mother for 1 decade in May. The loss of my parents was probably my most difficult, and lasting, loss.

Another loss - my first husband. Although we shared some warm and wonderful moments, he was abusive, and I eventually had to leave him. He passed away nearly a decade ago, and it added a dimension to the original loss that is hard to describe ...

And then, along the way, there have been friends ... confidants ... now gone.

Ian, they always take a large piece of who and what we were with them when they go - however, they also leave us with a piece of themselves to ponder and savor in that quiet, private place, where such losses are a bittersweet jumble of what was shared.

9:17 AM  
Blogger heiresschild said...

moof, that is a beautiful well-said blog comment.

hi ian, well, you followed my recent blogposts regarding the loss of my husband, and the process i've been thru over the years healing from the pain and grief of losing him. that's been the major loss in my life, and whenever anything else has happened, i would always think, "if i could go thru my husband's death, i can go thru anything." and sure enough, i've goen thru much, but have grown stronger thru it all.

i hope some day in the very near future, you'll have an opportunity to reconcile with your step-daughter. if her mother is living, she could tell her daughter the real truth.

2,745 former relationships??? sleazoids??? crumbums??? *lol*

10:28 AM  
Blogger sally in norfolk said...

very touching blog post with very touching comments. I think we all deal with loss in different ways and sometimes we dont know how we will deal with it untill the time comes.
I tend to push things to one side until I am ready to deal with them.

3:57 PM  
Blogger Ellee Seymour said...

It sounds like you have really let go, that's hard, and tough, I do sympathise.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Heidi said...

Hugs {{{{{{{{IAN}}}}}}}

4:46 PM  
Blogger geewits said...

I encouraged my daughter to spend time with her step-dad after we divorced. He had been part of her life since she was 3. We divorced when she was 11. After a few years he moved to Colorado but they still e-mail and exchange Christmas cards.

As for personal loss, it took me forever to recover from my Dad's sudden death. Part of my very self-definition was that I was a "Daddy's Girl." How then was I a "Daddy's Girl" without a Dad?

1:01 AM  
Blogger jmb said...

Hi Ian,
Very touching post.

I'm here via Michelle Tempest's blog where I always see you commenting. I noticed you are nearby (I'm on the lower mainland) so decided to check out your blog.
I'll call again and explore some more.
Hopefully the stepdaughter will want to find you some day. It just feels like unfinished business this way and we never like to think someone thinks unkindly of us, do we?
jmb

1:57 PM  
Blogger CS said...

As you know, I'm completely with you on this one!

11:52 AM  
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6:16 PM  

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