Just let it go, me bucko!

Rare would be the human being that hasn’t suffered a major loss in his or her life, and the older you get the more losses you will undergo. Sorry, but it’s in the nature of the organism.

I have suffered a few losses that have stung like hell at the time, and the afterburn has lingered for varying lengths of time. Both my parents are gone now, and have been off bickering in some netherworld for more than a decade. I wonder if Mom still has to stash the vodka wherever she is. And, two marriages have gone kaput. I think those hurt more than the parental deaths for a number of reasons, none of which I’ll go into here. One marriage (the first one) went phhhhhhhhhhht! over many years. The second one just went pht. That was better in some respects, though it didn’t make it easier on the emotions. Didn’t make it easier for a highly significant reason.

I don’t regret the loss of that marriage and relationship, even though we did have some good times together. But, the nuptial cessation led to some significant growth on my part, and for that I’m eternally grateful. It also left me in a position to take up with somebody whom I love deeply and unconditionally and have (I hope) the tools now to keep the dynamic going there.

But, the significant reason for any residual pain from that 2nd marriage came about due to my step-daughter. You see, I’d never had children of my own for the simple reason that I was self-indulgent in my first marriage, and my wife frankly didn’t want a family. So, as a result of my self-indulgence, and my wife’s balking, I never pressed the point. That was foolish because, by the time of the marriage’s denouement I had come to realize how much I adored children and knew, by that point, I would have made a good parent.

Anyway, when I met my 2nd, she already had an 11-year-old daughter. Whoopie! A relationship with a built-in kid. What could be better? And, I loved that kid to bits. She was easy to love. She was pretty, and funny, and terribly smart, and musically and artistically talented, and didn’t hang out with sleazoids and crumbums. It was heavenly. Oh sure, there were glitches. The formerly ‘kidless’ take time to make the adjustment and to develop affection for loud music deep into the night, slumber parties, and juvenile moodiness of the sort that only girls entering puberty can exhibit. But, none of this was major and I continued to love her.

Then the marriage went asunder. And then Mom worked her magic on the kid to convince her (she was about 16 at the time) that I was a very bad person. This is normal behavior for Mom, and she had done the same thing with her daughter in all her 2,745 former relationships (that were going to last forever).

Anyway, damage done, I lost ‘my’ kid. I tried over the years to get in touch with her, but to no avail. Mom had done such a good job that even Mom told me that she later regretted it. Well, talk is kinda cheap, of course, especially if somebody wants a favor, as Mom has wanted the odd time over the years.

And that brings me back to the point of loss, and the most important aspect of the equation – acceptance. That is, letting go and letting life evolve as it will evolve. No small task. But, about a year ago I decided I had emotionally lingered long enough and made a conscious effort to put things into realistic context and to ‘let go.’ I mean, it is now over a decade, so persistence gets a bit silly. The kid is a mid-20s woman now, and has done well at all levels, so I’m happy for her. Even if I’m also a teeny bit resentful that she, as a mature woman, cannot be bothered to find out the reality of what she was told.

But, it’s a sunny day, and that today, as in living in the moment, is what really counts. That and the fact that the invoice I mentioned a couple of blogs ago has been received and the payment is in the mail.

But, as a final thought, how have you dealt with losses in your lives?