Sorry about these guys

I was going to blog about a number of burning topics this morning, included among which were the %$#&* late arrival of spring and my yearnings to feel sunshine on my shoulders, just like John Denver; and International Pi Day on Wednesday. Didn’t know what to say about Pi-Day because I was too busy fantasizing about how the sunlight glinted off the auburn tresses of Jane who sat two rows over and three seats down in 11th grade math. Otherwise, I guess all that can be said about Pi-Day is, why shouldn’t international geeks have a day to call their own? I am sure William Shatner would agree with me.

But, thinking about such icons as Shatner brought me closer to the topic upon which I want to provide discourse today: Canadians about whom we, as Canadians should possibly be just a tiny bit ashamed for imposing them on the rest of the world. Their numbers are legion. We shall begin with one whose tale is prominent this week, and look at a few selected others:

Conrad Black: Erstwhile media lord who goes on trial this week. Is Conrad all the very bad things people say and write about him? I really don’t know. Is he all set to do hard-time for his transgressions in the corporate world? Only the trial will tell. But, suffice it to say that regardless of how the court findings play out, Black is insufferable. His grasping and snobbish consort, Barbara Amiel is even more insufferable, although I will have to concede she's a damn fine journalist. But, Black himself is so hubristic he makes Donald Trump seem sweet and cuddly. The British media are having a ball with Black, and go so far as to say that even if he is exonerated for his perceived misdeeds, he is still an utter shit. We shall see how it all plays out. But, I apologize, nevertheless.

Celine Dion: The darling of the Vegas strip is about to fold her tent and forge off in new directions. This woman who confuses a whining wail with actual singing acumen is quite repellent at any level you can consider. Titanic was a flawed picture, even if the special effects were neat. But, it is an unforgivable flick if only because of that hideous theme song which gave the woman actual permission to ‘go on and on’ ad nauseam. Oh, and double shame whammy for Titanic, since Cameron, who made the thing, is also Canadian.

Howie Mandel: The only question that comes to mind is ‘why?’ He has a sort of quiz show (Jeopardy is an actual quiz show, by contrast) that draws a huge audience, despite the dumbness of its premise – or possibly because of the dumbness of its premise. But, I still go back to my ‘why?’ Mandel was first known as a comic – a comic of a very unfunny sort who always cackled away merrily at his alleged gags. A comic of the excruciatingly unfunny Adam Sandler sort. OK, I’ll put those two on a par. Americans should be ashamed of Sandler.

Joni Mitchell: Beloved by old hippies and proto-feminists, this chainsmoker is a much-lauded songstress who has only one song. Doesn’t matter what it’s titled, it is all the same song. “I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now,” What the hell does that mean?

Paul Anka: This is one of the richest guys in show-biz because he had the astuteness to create the Tonight Show theme and to retain ownership of it. Can’t criticize that sweet little move. What I can and will criticize is ‘She’s Having My Baby,’ Homer Simpson shudder here. This vomit-enducer flies in the face of all that the rest of us might hold sacred. Glad Diana rejected him way back when.

David Clayton Thomas: I just want to rip the radio out of the car’s dashboard if ‘Spinning Wheel’ should happen to come on. My hands move so fast you can’t see them when I change the station.

Gordon Lightfoot: See Joni Mitchell. Every song is the same song.

Sir Sandford Fleming: For those of you still suffering from the rigors of time-change weekend, you can only blame Canadian Fleming who invented the concept of standard time and time-zones back in 1885. Oh, a good and practical invention, no doubt, but why are we so anal about it? Why doesn’t time stay the same all year round? Get as much light as we can in the afternoon, and screw morning darkness. It’s a dreary time of day, anyway. Better yet, I think I’ll move to Hawaii where it gets dark at the same time of day year-round.

There are, of course, more very, very bad Canadian exports, but I thought I’d share the ones at the top of my ‘national shame’ list.