"Pretentious -- Moi?"

Most of us attempt to wrestle our way through life doing the best we can do with whatever limited inner resources we may possess.

There are times, however, when the pressures of certain social or business occasions seem too great, and our own stature of self-perceived worth too small to permit us to make much of an impression on those whom we think we need to impress. At such times even the strongest amongst us are tempted to lapse into pretence and affectation.

Provided an affectation doesn't become an obsession, there is nothing particularly unhealthy about such a manifestation of insecurity. But, if you choose to follow the route of the poseur be forewarned that there is one potential pitfall you must be aware of. Under no circumstances ever confuse affectation with style. Style is to be noted for its uniqueness. Affectation is recognizable by its predictability.

Sometimes, however, it is difficult to know if a chosen behavior is indeed an affectation, or if it is really a manifestation of one's honest-to-God personality. In that context I offer some simple guidelines for those who might be in doubt.

SPEECH

An English accent is not an affectation if one originated in England; had an extremely heavy-handed anglophilic upbringing; has resided for a considerable time-period in England; spent one's formative years acting in CBC dramas of the 1950s or '60s (there is no cure for such people; they are incurably pretentious). Otherwise, is an affectation.

American mid-western drawl, as in: "Ah seen that sucker a drivin' bah me in his sem-eye." is an affectation unless you are from the Midwest. Alberta doesn't count, no matter how much Albertans might want it to.

Academic and pseudoprofessional bafflegab so prevalent around campuses and in pretentious letters to the editor carries affection to an area verging on dangerous (not to mention obnoxious) compulsion.

Extensive use of foreign phrases by somebody born and raised in North America is affected. The more obscure the foreign language, the more blatant the affectation.

Excessive use of profanity by well-educated women is an affectation. If the cussing woman's father was a clergyman, add another ten points to the affectation scale.

GARB

Harris Tweed jackets worn with blue jeans are a pseudo-bohemian affectation, though not a particularly offensive one. Beware, however, the person who wears a denim jacket with Harris Tweed trousers. This could be a sign of a frightening mental aberration.

Any item of apparel that that does not relate directly to the wearers actual calling in life is an affectation, such as train engineer's overalls or hat, cowboy boots and hats, and medical scrubs.

Leisure suits are not affectation, they are a social disease.

READING MATERIAL

The Sunday Times, either the London or New York varieties, are not affectations if they are actually read. If they are only on the coffee table to cover up the latest People, they are affectations. This same caveat applies to the Atlantic Monthly, Harpers or the Wall Street Journal.

Intense little literary magazines are affectations except for those who are intense little writers or editors of such.

LIFESTYLE: All of the following are affectations.

Kiwi fruit

Scotch, if you must secretly add mixer. You are, however, even more affected if you must call attention to the fact you haven't added mixer. If you add Pepsi, you should be asked to leave the party.

Visible drug paraphernalia in your house. If you're a genuine junkie, you don't have a house.

Vacations in Nepal or finding one's true spiritual path in India.

Refusal to own a TV, and calling attention to the fact.

Pornographic DVDs or videotapes. Even more pretentious (and tasteless) if they are of you and your spouse, or girlfriend. If they are of you, your spouse 'and' girlfriend, you are carrying pretentious tastelessness to new bounds. If you show the DVDs while her parents are visiting, you are in deep need of help.

Watching soap operas but declaring "I know they're absolute rubbish, but sometimes I'm a sucker for pure mindless escapism."

Fibreglass facsimiles of classic automobiles.

Conversion to a religion or philosophy that is antithetical to the beliefs you were brought up in. Even more pretentious if nobody can recall you ever subscribing to any sort of belief.

There are, of course, more, many more examples of affectation, with the most grievous being living miles beyond your means for the sake of impressing those who will never be impressed no matter how hard you try.