Sunday, March 29, 2009

Keep the yogurt away, and we shall be fine

Sweet and innocent child being forced to consume yogurt


Has it struck you that there is an inordinate amount of television advertising for yogurt/yoghurt (your spelling of the substance will depend on your provenance)?

I do. I’d go so far as to call it wretched excess. I mean, it’s only yogurt, it’s not as if it were something important like coffee, beer, or Swiffer dusters.

I don’t much like yogurt, but normally, about three times every half hour of broadcasting I am bound to hear the expression ‘probiotic’ and to see a number of women reaching virtual orgasmic heights over the virtues of one brand over another. Rarely men in the dialogue, you may have noticed.

A particularly disgusting advert has a woman in the yogurt section of the supermarket – arguably the most boring section of any market after catfood – clandestinely guzzling down (with revolting gurgling noises) a mini-container of her favorite milk-bacteria concoction in the manner of a crackhead who cannot wait to stoke up after he has scored.

Now, don’t get me wrong about yogurt and indict me for not savoring a particular confection that is also ‘good for me.’ Just because something is good for me doesn’t mean I have to favor it.

Popular mythology holds that yogurt – a perfect substance for our fear-of-death obsessed society – has huge life-giving and longevity encouraging properties. We are all familiar with the tales of venerable Azherbaijanis or some other trans-Caucasus sorts who exist on diets consisting exclusively of yogurt and who live to remarkable ages, like 523 or something.

In fact, some proponents maintain that a diet high enough in yogurt – a gallon or so a day – will override all your other health-destroying habits so that you can know go back to smoking 3 or 4 packs a day and maybe take up heroin if you’ve always been curious.

Of course much of what I just wrote is balderdash, but I do known that yogurt fanatics swear to its amazing properties and I suspect that much like anything that tastes evil being remarkably good for one, the claims for yogurt hold water – or putrefying milk at least. Funny how things that taste wonderful like crème caramel or strawberry shortcake are merely coronaries in a dish.

So, yogurt is good for you. This leaves me with a couple of questions. In the first place, if it is so excellent, why is it necessary to advertise the crud so much? I mean, shouldn’t everybody just know that? Secondly, if it is so good, why is there any necessity to have more than one brand? Isn’t yogurt just yogurt? I mean, nobody pretends one brand of 2 percent milk is better than another, so why with yogurt?

I said two questions, but actually I have a third. That is, if yogurt is so goddamn wonderful, why is it necessary to disguise it with all sorts of fruit flavours – you know, to ‘candify’ it? This leaves me with the sneaking suspicion that a lot more people than me think it is sour and evil to the palate and nobody would touch the stuff unless they disguise it. You know, it’s sort of like fancy-ass cocktails designed to disguise the taste of plain old booze.

Anyway, I am unrepentant in my aversion to the stuff. I don’t care what you tell me about its virtues, I will never like it and refuse to consume it. I’ve tried, but it was a failed experiment. I eat all my fruit and veggies, and keep red meat to a minimum. I hardly use any salt, and butter is just a dab for me, and transfats are taboo in our house. I’ve paid the price. So keep damn yogurt away from me.

And cut down on the TV advertising, can’t ya? Or, at least create some with imagination and honesty that suggest: “We know it tastes horrible, but it’s so good for you!”

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16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't say it's my favorite food - chocolate springs to mind - but I like yogurt. Always have.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Warty Mammal said...

Mmmmm. Chock full of lactobacillus acidophilus, just like mother used to make.

Great caption on the kid pic!

6:41 PM  
Blogger Dumdad said...

I eat a lot of rubbish as well as a lot of "good" stuff and I drink alcohol (wine and beer).

But I do like yoghurt and have a bifidus one for breakfast although, frankly, I'm sure all the claims they make about it are just a load of old baloney. To me, it just tastes nice.

12:54 AM  
Blogger French Fancy... said...

My favourite breakfast is a small portion of cornflakes mixed with natural yoghurt (any make as long as it is runny, I don't like the solid block),some honey and a sliced banana. It is lovely - try some

Our doc says that claim about probiotic yogs is just clever marketing.

2:34 AM  
Blogger Leesa said...

I am a yogurt fan. I was reading in Nutrition Action the other day that 1/3 of women are not regular. And yogert seems to help with that.

7:24 AM  
Blogger VioletSky said...

Mmmm, love my yoghourt. I still like it best with all the fat and none of the fruit (I can add my own fruit and nuts).

But I can understand saome people not liking it - took me several tries to find the right brand - and, no, they are not all alike. Many are, as you might say, "evil".

VioletSky

8:34 AM  
Blogger Sugar. said...

Plain yogurt tastes horrid on it's own, I must have the fruity ones if I eat any at all. And you're right, we are bombarded with really bad yogurt commercials - drives me nuts too.

8:34 AM  
Blogger Rositta said...

Dam, that must be why my body is falling apart. I abhor that stuff and have never eaten it...ciao

8:36 AM  
Blogger Voyager said...

I have always loved yogurt, but not the horrible sugary fake fruity non fat crap that takes up too much space in the grocery store and in T.V. ads. Give me plain Balkan style yougurt, maybe with a few rasberry or banana slices mixed in. Heavenly food. And since you don't like it, great! All the more for me!
V.

9:56 AM  
Blogger lady macleod said...

#1 - I love how you write
#2 - my tv IQ is lower than Forest Gump's SAT score, so I take your word for it
#3 - I'm still laughing
#4 - I LOVE THE PHOTOGRAPH
#5 - I love Greek yogurt, and I eat enough for both of us, so you are good to go...

10:21 AM  
Blogger Jazz said...

The only good yogurt is the Mediterranean stuff, the one that chock full of fat. The kind used to make Tzaziki. Of course, I'm sure it's also real bad for you. I can't understand how they can call that low fat/no fat stuff yogurt. It's just overmarketed nastiness.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I'm not a big fan, though I eat it every now and again. I get my calcium with cheese and supplements, also same for the pro biotic cultures!

1:05 PM  
Blogger meggie said...

I am with you 100%!! I loathe the smell too, & fail to see how anyone with a sense of smell or taste could bear to ingest such a concoction.
I was horrified when my mother pressed yoghurt on my infant son, & he lapped it up! He does not like it as an adult, thank goodness.

3:33 PM  
Blogger Jelica said...

I am ok with yogurt but I hear you on the advertisements. The most absurd yogurt ad I've seen was in The New Yorker magazine, showing a picture of the stuff with the punchline: "Ridiculously thick yogurt." Ridiculously thick? Ridiculous and thick? Just ridiculous, I guess.

9:34 AM  
Blogger Lisa Johnson said...

This post is hilarious! I have noticed that the yogurt commercials seem to be getting more and more over the top. They are getting to be ridiculous.

But I have to admit that I love that stuff. I always have vanilla yogurt in the fridge. I mix it with fruit and rice milk for fruit smoothies, and use it in baking sometimes too. I buy the store brand though. Like you said, yogurt is yogurt.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Jameil said...

lol! me and my friend were JUST talking about how ridiculous that yogurt gulping commercial was! yogurt is only good for you in its nastiest, least flavorful form. otherwise it's just what you described, CANDY!!! Lol. nutritionists love busting this myth so YAY!! NO MORE FORCING DOWN YOGURT!! (or even pretending like you ever might) found you via liz.

11:01 AM  

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