A not entirely bonnie Prince Charlie

The Prince of Wales (accompanied by an unknown nail-biter, no wait, it's the missus) shows his pleasure when his sister, Princess Anne accidentally breaks wind when being presented with a riding trophy

I think when the Queen passes on I’ll cease any affection tie I might once have had with the British Royal Family.

I know as a Canadian, hence member of the Commonwealth, the Royals are legally ours, too. But, really. Puh-leez, they are English through and through. In fact, I’ve decided that once the Queen goes, 20 or 30 years from now, probably, I am no longer going to support the Royals. I am certain this will be a disappointment to them.

There are two reasons for my attitude. The first one is, I think it’s high time Canada grew up and became a fully-fledged republic rather than some sort of vestigial, metaphoric vassal state. Sorry, if I hear God Save the Queen I regard it as the UK’s national anthem, having nothing to do with me.

The other part of the equation is Prince Charles. Sorry, but I don’t do Chuck. Can’t go in that direction. He is a wacky, eccentric, over-opinionated waste of the UK taxpayers’ pounds.

But, since Canada is still part of the Commonwealth, I suppose I have to acknowledge that Chuck’s 60th birthday is about now. I don’t know if the law holds that I’d be beheaded if I didn’t accord respect to this senior citizen, but I won’t take any chances in that regard.

So, Charles Windsor, AKA Prince of Wales is 60. In many jurisdictions he would be pensionable. Come to think of it, he’s always been pensionable. Being on a lush pension is his job.

His other job is criticism. Criticism because he is a self-perceived expert on damn near everything from architecture to agronomy. At least he has the common decency to not include relationship counseling amongst his perceived skills. But in those areas he deems himself expert, he also demands that those with actual credentials in such fields listen to him and hearken to his criticisms. They say he talks to the trees. Do said trees listen to him and grow accordingly? If they don’t does he chop them down in a sort of symbolic beheading? That must be empowering for him.

Charles was once married to the splendidly beautiful, graceful, and borderline bonkers Diana. What a vision she was and, in case you haven’t heard, she died tragically many years ago. But she didn’t die, alas, before Charles had dumped her for somebody remarkably unbeautiful, ungraceful, and possessing some well worn treads on her winter tires.

Am I dissing the disturbingly unappealing Camilla due to the fact she is old? Not at all. Helen Mirren or Judi Dench could butter my toast any day of the week and I would be very happy. I diss her because she is a waste of space, dead lazy according to most accounts, a homewrecker and a pretty low-rent baggage for the heir to the throne. Evidently her appeal to the average Brit is much the same as stepping in something nasty on the footpath.

Charles discarded Diana for this woman, yet he expects others to heed his opinions on anything?

There have been other Princes of Wales who have been exploiters of the public purses, the hard-earneds of every Alf and Mavis throughout the land. There was debauched Prince Regent George IV, but at least he built the rather charming and quirky Brighton Pavilion. And, there was Prince Hal, who tried to snatch the crown off his old man’s head even before Henry IV (Part II) had croaked. But, then he went off and won Agincourt and redeemed himself. He also died young, which is a blessing in tearaway princes.

But, Charles is no tearaway. He’s like that tiresome and boring uncle who comes round for tea and bikkies on a rainy Sunday afternoon. An uncle of the sort who evokes a collective “Oh God,” from all and sundry in the household when Mum announces that he’ll be around on the weekend.

So, Charles wants to be my king when the Gracious Queen passes on. Well, I’ll heed the wisdom of Yogi Berra and say, if that is the case, then include me out.