'Off with their heads -- as a modest proposal

In certain respects I envy Queen Elizabeth I, and I bet the current Queen does as well. The envy has nothing to do with those hideous and starchy round collars or the lack of dental work, but I suspect it might have a great deal to do with her predecessors right to lop off heads with impunity.

You don’t get a lot of ‘official’ beheadings today, and maybe the world’s the worse for it.

I know if I had the right to make my “vorpal sword” go “snicker-snack”, I’d just be snicker-snackering all over the place. I am speaking metaphorically, of course -- I think. Depends on my mood. In truth, I’d just ‘order’ the executions, much as Elizabeth Tudor did, just to avoid the mess, but I would take much joy in knowing they’d been carried out.

The ‘deep haircut’ was, in the days in which it was applied, reserved only for the aristocracy and gentry. Regular blokes and blokettes were merely hanged. Hanging seems not as gross, but evidently was nastier. Most of us are familiar with the scene in English trial dramas in which the bewigged judge sticks the black cloth on his head and states: “You will be taken to a place of confinement, and then on June 27, in the year of our Lord 1883 will be hanged by the neck until dead.”

Happy was the guy who heard the “until dead” part. In the old days bad people, or those who had earned the displeasure of the monarch were often hanged until ‘not dead’, merely feeling poorly. Then they were cut down and either drawn-and-quartered, or were disembowelled. Nasty business.

A good headsman, on the other hand, could accomplish his task with swiftness and élan. That is why the toff ‘client’ always made certain he tipped the headsman admirably, just so he’d do a good job of it.

In these more enlightened and democratic times, I wouldn’t restrict beheadings to the powerbrokers of society. I would instead utilize the practice to rid us all of the real pains-in-the-ass of society. Once they were gone then the rest of us could enjoy our days and nights. You might think this is a bit bloodthirsty on my part, but it isn’t really. I think we’d find that after a few token beheadings for the transgressions I will list, that others would smarten up by the prophylactic effect of their neighbor having been hauled off to the headman’s (or headswoman’s – this should be an equal opportunity gig, I’m thinking) block.

“Say, Madge, I understand they got Charlie Carruthers. That’ll learn him to let his cat crap under our rhododendrons. Glad I blew the whistle on him, but we’ll have to make sure that ‘Tinkles’ stays in our own yard from now on. Wouldn’t want somebody reporting me.”

So, whom would I like to see as token ‘headsperson’ victims? Only the following:

- One third of all politicians from all levels, federal to local, and from all

parties. I figure this might smarten up the rest of them.

- One half of all bureaucrats, mainly because most of them aren’t needed and are only in the calling to abuse the public and glom onto big, fat pensions at the end of their so-called careers. I’d especially focus on those civil servants in the revenue office, post office, licensing bureaus and any other group that deals directly with the public.

- Shakespeare said: “First we kill all the lawyers.” I think I’d only kill two-thirds of them, but 90 percent of the judges. Just keep a few around to order beheadings. The rest are a waste of our dollars because they can’t be bothered – due to fear, stupidity, or a desire to avoid offending political overseers – passing sentences that would appeal to law-abiding citizens.

- Morons who chat on cell-phones behind the wheel when entering crowded, lane-change demanding intersections. Combine them with morons who chat loudly on those same mobiles in restaurants, movie houses, or any place else where others will be subject to blow-by-blow (used advisedly) accounts of last-evenings sexual escapades.

- Graffiti ‘artists’ who defile public places with their crap. If juveniles (and they generally are) their so-called parents should also be executed, as should the hardware store operators who sell aerosol paint spray to anybody under 18.

- Drug dealers – goes without saying.

- Exploiters of children.

- Skateboarders who skateboard anyplace other than designated skateboard parks.

- Those of very little brain but much malice who would ‘key’ somebody’s automobile.

- Any and all vandals of public, taxpayer-funded properties.

- Wearers of cheap and cloying perfume or cologne.

- Gum-snappers in public.

Oh, my heavens, there are so many. You likely have some of your own. Tell us your candidates for either beheading, or at least public floggings if you’re a bit squeamish about the ultimate solution.