Count Floyd vants you to see something real scaaaaaaary

What’s with that Heather Mills McCartney broad, anyway? Does having your leg lopped off also make you terminally stupid and render you a shrill and hysterical termagant?

Or, is that a result of having been married to Paul? You know Paul – he’s the cute/boring Beatle. Kids, ask your parents about the Beatles.

Anyway, the execrable Ms. Mills has now had the cheek (not to mention the appallingly – even for her – bad taste) to somehow compare herself and her plight in her pending divorce from Mr. Ebony and Ivory to Kate McCann -- the mother of missing Madeleine – as well as Princess Diana. Well, in the whining department the Diana comparison might work, but Kate McCann? All that would come to my mind in that regard would be: “How dare you?” Or, maybe you think Dr. McCann should cease her fretting about her missing, likely dead, child and appreciate what real suffering is all about. Actually, it frightens me to ponder the possibility that you actually think that.

So let me get this straight. Ms Mills, when this revolting divorce melodrama is settled, stands to acquire enough utterly unearned money to be able to buy Portugal. Well, Romania, at least, but she is feeling agonizing pain. Huh? Oh, and by the way, people are also threatening to kill her, she says. In fact, she has gone on national TV in both the UK and the US asserting such. Would those be the same people Diana thought were out to bump her off, too? Just wondering.

Anyway, all I can say to the terrifying Ms. Mills is, get yourself a really good spin-doctor, dear, because I think your idea of good PR is just a little askew. Oh, and please don’t be calling me up wanting to date me. I’m taken.

But, you have to wonder about Paul, too. I mean, here is a guy who has amassed so much money that he should be able to attract any hot number anywhere on the planet. I mean, some of these stinkin’ rich old farts look like toads, but they have no problem getting either bandbox young hotties, or intelligent, interesting and beautiful older women, so what is the matter with Paul? Why did he choose her out of the police line-up? Really, in comparison with Heather, Yoko Ono seems foxy and fun.

Then again, he did do that Ebony and Ivory thing. Sorry to rub that in, but it’s irresistible.