Early to bed, early -- really early -- to rise. Damn

According to yet another one of those “researchers say …” articles that dominate our daily press in lieu of ‘real’ news I find that I am screwed – and not in a nice way, either.

You see, researchers say we should all get seven to eight hours of sleep a night, and if we don’t, we’re going to die. Here’s a flash for those researchers, we’re going to die, anyway. It’s sort of in the nature of being a living entity. We might not like it, but that’s the way it is.

Where I am screwed is that I never muster eight hours of sleep. I manage to get seven if I’m really lucky. Of course, if I get ‘lucky’ I don’t get seven, but that’s an entirely other (*TMI Alert) matter. Mind you, researchers have some views on that sort of stuff, too. Can’t recall if it’s good for you or bad for you, but that’s one habit I don’t plan to change.

What I find interesting about these researchers is how they feel compelled to tell us stuff that will disquiet us, and hence disrupt our sleep. I awaken at, say, 4:30 a.m. and think: “Holy shit, I’m awake at the 4:30! Not only am I probably shortening my life, but also I’ll probably end up with dementia, impotence, incontinence and a host of other disagreeable happenings, just because I awakened at 4:30. Must sleep! Must sleep!") Well, you know how that is going to play out. I’ll be more awake than I have ever been.

So, my question to the researcher guys is, how do you make yourself sleep longer – or shorter, if that is your problem?

I’ve read tons of stuff about sleep habits. Well, my sleep habits are fine. I turn in relatively early, unless I’ve had to go out to some function (in which case my sleep will be totally screwed because I’ll come home a bit pumped up); I don’t drink coffee, tea or colas in the evening hours, my bedding is nice (400 thread count sheets, if you please and a nice and cozy duvet), if it is warmish, the window is open a trace (except in high allergy season, which is only 11 months out of the 12 for me), there is no extraneous noise (and if there is, I use earplugs), Wendy is not normally a restless sleeper, so that doesn’t disrupt. I then cozy in, read for a while until I nod, and then it’s slumberland. Always works. I have nice dreams, too. I rarely have nightmares, so all the REM stuff is doing what it's supposed to. It’s at the other end that it doesn’t work so well for me. I want to saw wood for seven, but I rarely get more than six. And that is my reality. I refuse to feel guilty about it, and screw you researcher guys (I think somebody should, and then you wouldn’t be such OC dweebs, fussing and fretting about the habits of others and making nonsensical pronouncements just to upset the good folk out there in readership land.)

I awaken early because the world begins to encroach. I am not anxious about it or depressed, I just wake up and, silly me, I always assumed I woke up after 6 or 6 ½ because I’d had enough sleep. It’s true, if there is something pressing happening, like I’m going to be traveling that day, or getting married, or something, then I will awaken even earlier. I expect some poor guy who is going to be executed at sunup has a bitch of time getting in his sufficient allotment. “Oh, well. Maybe it’ll be better tonight. Oh, right, it will be whole lot better.”

So, as it stands, I’m just not going to worry too much about having insufficient sleep. I think if that is how long I consistently sleep, then I must be getting the sleep I need. Little sleep was of no real concern to Winston Churchill, Thomas Edison or Margaret Thatcher, and they did OK. I mean, isn't this really kind of arbitrary. All of us as individuals have different wants and needs in all areas of our lives, so why should sleep be any different?

In any case, when I think of the amount of sleep mustered by those hiding out in the London Underground during the Blitz, I can only conclude we are a generation of neurotic wanking whiners considering the stuff we stress about, considering the stuff people elsewhere on the planet have to stress about.

“I’m a bit concerned, Habib, I am simply not getting enough sleep these days.” “Probably the car bombings, Mustapha – probably the car bombings.”.