Scientists say: "We're all going to die!"

Perusing the morning paper I take note of the following story headlines: Study says diabetes risk same as aging 15 years; Wrinkled smokers cancer prone; Senior 'moments' could be serious. So, buddy, if you are a prune-like diabetic who suffers spasmodic brain-farts, you're hooped. That's what 'researchers' say in just once section of one newspaper. Yep, it's an insurmountable fact, dear friends, that at the end of our lives, we're all going to die, and there isn't a thing we can do about it.

Well, there is, those nameless researchers say. We can eat right, and exercise, not eat any trans-fats, or slightly charred barbecued steak -- especially not 'marbled' BBQ steak -- consume no salt, very little sugar, but certainly no artificial sweeteners, no soda pop it's fattening, but 'diet' has artificial sweeteners, so they're both out; cigarettes, goes without saying; booze, well maybe a little tiny bit, but not too much as it leads to alcoholism and shoots the liver to shit; but better to have a tiny bit than none, unless you're an alcoholic or have liver problems; coffee is good for you some days of the week, according to researchers, but the next issue of the paper may suggest it's bad; decaf used to lead to cancer, but most recently it's good for you, and will continue to be so until it's bad again.

Meanwhile, please obsess with worry about high cholesterol, unless it's 'good' cholesterol; hypertension; stress (no mention about the stress from reading articles that cite leading researchers); and the fact that virtually everything you consume or do as a lifestyle practice leads to cancer. Sex used to be off the hook, so at least a good, old-fashioned roll in the hay or between the sheets could alleviate stress and burn some calories. But only if it is with one whose sex history you know going back not just through him or her, but all their partners since the days of Adam and Eve. STDs, you see.

And so it goes. It goes in this way, I can only deduce is because we have all become obsessed with the idea of living forever. We must have, or we wouldn't be so anal (not a good thing; healthy bowel movements are essential for quality of health) about the whole damn thing. We are so self-important. Surely more so than any generation since the beginning of time. We must do all the right things, and then we will live on -- and on -- and on.

Or not. At the bottom line, there is always the old gene pool thing. If your parents and grandparents lived to a ripe old one, then no matter what despicable or disgusting things you do, the odds are on your side. If they all bought the farm before fifty well -- then -- sorry about that. You may as well have fun because no matter what wonderful things you do to preserve yourself, you just might be like poor old jogging proponent, Jim Fixx.

Researchers still have been able to come up with a sure fire route to immortality. So, if you're still this side of the grass (and you must be, or you wouldn't be reading this), maybe don't get too obsessed with it all. Have a giggle, and for God's sake, stop reading any articles that cite either scientists or researchers as authorities. They don't live any longer than the rest of us.