"Uh-oh -- maybe a bit of a judgment error here!"

I have written before about the things I haven’t done and that I would like to do before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Some of them, maybe even most of them, will not happen, but in moments of idle speculation I still think I’d like to:

See the pyramids along the Nile,

gaze upon the Taj Mahal (without the hassle of getting there),

stay in the most expensive penthouse suite to be found in London or New York City, While staying there, order in pizza.

have a conversation about Bogey with Lauren Bacall,

learn how to surf

win a Pulitzer Prize for writing,

have a best-seller published,

drive a Bentley convertible,

spend an evening with Deborah Harry of Blondie,

referee an intellectual barroom brawl between Donald Trump and Gonzo guy Hunter S. Thompson. Let’s see, Trump’s a teetotaller and Thompson’s dead, so it should be a fairly even match.

Never having had the chance to hang out (in a disreputable manner) with the late Princess Diana despite my great big crush on her. Gee, she probably didn’t even know how I felt.

Get a nice vacation home in the Hanalei Valley of Kauai

On the other hand, there are some things I haven’t done and that I have no desire to do, or even if I had some vague inkling of desire to do them, my better judgment suggests to me that it might be best if I let them stay where they are. A writer years ago suggested that one should perhaps try everything with the possible exceptions of incest, homicide, and opium smoking. Since I have tried none of those, I think too it would be better if I didn’t try at this stage.

So, as follows are the things I haven’t done and even if I have been curious none of them ever been activated nor likely ever will:

Injected drugs

Bitch-slapped anybody

Screamed obscenities in the street
Had sex in public (semi-public doesn’t count if there’s nobody else around)

Served time in prison

Stuck my tongue on a frozen pipe in wintertime

Been in a riot (or even public demonstration)

Uttered profanities in a place of worship

Thrown a bigoted comment at a member of a minority

Been overly familiar with the Queen. I have taken a number of close-up photos of her while on the job, but I wasn’t even tempted to say: “So, how ya doin’, babe? Bet you find these royal tours a drag.”

Committed a violent crime

Bungie-jumped

Sky-dived

Extreme skied. In fact, I haven’t skied at all since I was about 16 and by now I don’t really have a great desire to be cold and wet or to fracture whatever limbs I might have. Truth be known, I hate winter sports, mainly because I hate winter.

Gone snorkelling in shark-infested waters. I mean, I have gone snorkelling right in the same area where the little Hawaiian girl had her arm chomped off, but what are the odds?

Acquired an STD.

Cross-dressed – oh, maybe at Halloween when I was a kid, but that somehow doesn’t count

Worn garments made from the pelts or skins of endangered species

Spanked a child. Corporal punishment may have some virtues, but somehow it seems not right for a grown adult to slug a kid. Call me a softie, if you will

Likewise, I have never physically hurt an animal, nor would I, unless maybe it was a wolverine about to take out my throat.

In that context, I have no desire to hunt. I have no issue with those who do hunt, for meat (never for trophies), but I don’t choose to shoot some little Bambi.

OK, now that I have shown what a softie I am, it might be better to bring this to an end. I would, however, love to hear some of your taboos.