Passing the test of true friendship
My friend John on the left, myself centre, and our respective spouses, Joy (centre) and Wendy.‘Friendship’ is a word that is difficult to define. We all have many acquaintances, as well as neighbors, colleagues, people whom one encounters (and likes) in grocery stores, at the dentist’s office, and while traveling. All of these people ‘count’, but are they friends. As a reporter I have interviewed individuals, male and female, with whom I have developed an easy manner and a certain bonding.
But, are such people ‘friends’ in any true understanding of the word? I’m not so sure. I’m put in mind of the old song, Together:
Through thick or through thin,
All out and all in,
And whether it’s win, place or show,
It’s you for me, and me for you,
Together, wherever we go.
Or lyrics to that effect. And that, to me, is what friendship is all about. And therein I have no trouble counting my ‘friends’ for their numbers are few when compared to a much larger (and also much cherished) acquaintanceship.
My friends, I believe, are the ones with whom I can pick up conversation immediately upon seeing the individual, regardless of how many years have intervened since last we set eyes on each other. My friends are also no specified in terms of gender. I have close, caring and intense female friendships (not lovers) and close, caring and intense male friendships.
I say without equivocation that my wife, Wendy, is my best friend. I’m not saying this as some sort of expected protocol, but because it’s true. Our friendship (and love) began shortly after we met, and there is nobody in the world with whom I’d rather spend time.
Another mark of true friendship for me is long-duration (through that old thick and thin). In that I have one female friend with whom I actually attended first grade and then went right through high school (even though we lost touch for well over 30 years). She is my longest duration friend. I have another friend who lives thousands of miles away. We met in our 20s and still cherish the existence of the other, even though we only see each other about twice a decade. I had another very close one from my 20s who, alas, died accidentally in his late 30s. I still miss him. I have a female friend whom I met when she was 20 and I was 40. Now, many years later, we would still do anything for each other. I regard her as my baby sister, and she sees me as her big brother.
But, in many respects my best friend is ‘John’. We became friends (we lived next door) when we were 11 or 12. We’ve had many separations over the years, but somehow we always find each other. Our respective lives have taken many turns – some good, some not so good – but there is a bond between the two of us that seems insurmountable.
In 1990 John, his wife, and two young daughters moved to Australia. Then, somehow, through a succession of moves and the like, I lost his address. That was distressing. I did a number of Internet searches, to no avail. Then, my life changed quite radically. A marriage broke up, and a further relationship faltered. But then, after my life settled down once again, I often thought of John; wondered how he was; even wondered (God forbid) if something bad had happened to him or his family. If it had, I wouldn’t have known.
Then, last week, via a convoluted means that I won’t go into here, John connected with me. He was back in Canada, visiting his aging father for possibly one last time. He wanted to chat. He was in Victoria. As the fates would have it, we were traveling to Victoria the next day.
And that was how it went. We met for lunch. It was immediate rapport, as if no time had elapsed, despite the 16-years hiatus. That was what friendship was supposed to be like. That primal connection is still a profound connection. We now, of course, have a standing invitation to visit them Down Under. We might just have to do that sometime before too long.
John and I had some rather amazing adventures in our lives, some of which are not suitable to be recounted if there are youngsters present; we’ve also both had our woes and our tragedies. Yet, the friendship has prevailed through all of that.
That’s as it should be, and I’m very grateful for both him, and the circumstances that brought us back together, even if very temporarily.
But, are such people ‘friends’ in any true understanding of the word? I’m not so sure. I’m put in mind of the old song, Together:
Through thick or through thin,
All out and all in,
And whether it’s win, place or show,
It’s you for me, and me for you,
Together, wherever we go.
Or lyrics to that effect. And that, to me, is what friendship is all about. And therein I have no trouble counting my ‘friends’ for their numbers are few when compared to a much larger (and also much cherished) acquaintanceship.
My friends, I believe, are the ones with whom I can pick up conversation immediately upon seeing the individual, regardless of how many years have intervened since last we set eyes on each other. My friends are also no specified in terms of gender. I have close, caring and intense female friendships (not lovers) and close, caring and intense male friendships.
I say without equivocation that my wife, Wendy, is my best friend. I’m not saying this as some sort of expected protocol, but because it’s true. Our friendship (and love) began shortly after we met, and there is nobody in the world with whom I’d rather spend time.
Another mark of true friendship for me is long-duration (through that old thick and thin). In that I have one female friend with whom I actually attended first grade and then went right through high school (even though we lost touch for well over 30 years). She is my longest duration friend. I have another friend who lives thousands of miles away. We met in our 20s and still cherish the existence of the other, even though we only see each other about twice a decade. I had another very close one from my 20s who, alas, died accidentally in his late 30s. I still miss him. I have a female friend whom I met when she was 20 and I was 40. Now, many years later, we would still do anything for each other. I regard her as my baby sister, and she sees me as her big brother.
But, in many respects my best friend is ‘John’. We became friends (we lived next door) when we were 11 or 12. We’ve had many separations over the years, but somehow we always find each other. Our respective lives have taken many turns – some good, some not so good – but there is a bond between the two of us that seems insurmountable.
In 1990 John, his wife, and two young daughters moved to Australia. Then, somehow, through a succession of moves and the like, I lost his address. That was distressing. I did a number of Internet searches, to no avail. Then, my life changed quite radically. A marriage broke up, and a further relationship faltered. But then, after my life settled down once again, I often thought of John; wondered how he was; even wondered (God forbid) if something bad had happened to him or his family. If it had, I wouldn’t have known.
Then, last week, via a convoluted means that I won’t go into here, John connected with me. He was back in Canada, visiting his aging father for possibly one last time. He wanted to chat. He was in Victoria. As the fates would have it, we were traveling to Victoria the next day.
And that was how it went. We met for lunch. It was immediate rapport, as if no time had elapsed, despite the 16-years hiatus. That was what friendship was supposed to be like. That primal connection is still a profound connection. We now, of course, have a standing invitation to visit them Down Under. We might just have to do that sometime before too long.
John and I had some rather amazing adventures in our lives, some of which are not suitable to be recounted if there are youngsters present; we’ve also both had our woes and our tragedies. Yet, the friendship has prevailed through all of that.
That’s as it should be, and I’m very grateful for both him, and the circumstances that brought us back together, even if very temporarily.
posted by Ian Lidster at
2:34 PM
4 Comments:
I love your definition of friendship---I agree with it 100%!
I'm also very happy that your friend connected with you, ending the hiatus. :)
yay! for great friends. i, too, totally agree with your definition of friendship. i hope i can have many like your's and John's in my lifetime; and by that i mean the primal, unending connection.
:)
AM
It's great to reconnect with an old friend. Just this summer I saw a friend that I'd known since 4th grade but hadn't seen since we were 17.
My simple definition of a true friend is someone you could call in the middle of the night to drive a long distance to pick you up. And the reverse of that - if they called you, you would think nothing of hopping out of bed to help them.
Friends are wonderful!
I seem to appreciate my "friends of long duration" more as years go by! Especially now that my children are growing rapidly toward adulthood, the friends who were with me in my various "childbirthing endeavors" seem to be the ones I have stayed the closest to.
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