A Hawaii twinge in my soul

It sholdn't surprise people on the mainland of North America to know that Hawaiian residents have the longest life-expectancies of US citizens in all other states. That makes sense. Why would you want to die if you lived in Hawaii?

In fact it seems like the only people who die in droves in Hawaii are tourists. They mainly die because thet don't understand the perverse nature of the ocean. The gods of the ocean don't much care for haoles, it seems, so they drown them like flies.

During one two-week stay on Kauai a few years ago, the local newspaper reported of six drowning deaths -- two of them within walking distance of our condo (pictured above). That's a lot.

Why does this happen? Mainly because people from Nebraska, or Kansas, or Saskatchewan come to Hawaii. See the wonderful beaches. Long to hit that velvety water. And understand absolutely nothing about riptides or undertows. They've never heard of that basic Hawaiian rule, which is never, ever, under any circumstances, turn your back to the ocean. If you do, the ocean gods know, and they'll get ya.

The article that made note of the spate of drowings on Kauai also offered an interesting fact. The number of visitors to the beaches of Kauai annually is about the same as the numbers inhabiting the beaches of southrn California -- in a single day! So, if six people drowned on Kauai's beaches in a period of a week, that would mean, if drownings in California were at the same ratio, that thousands would drown annually.

But, you see, most of the visitors to California's beaches are ocean smart. Furthermore, the water off California, even at San Diego, isn't as inviting temperature-wise, so there isn't as much impulse to actually go in.

I am only mentioning these Hawaiian factoids as a kind of disservice to Hawaiian tourism. That's because I feel proprietorial about the place and don't want it to become overcrowded with visitors. I resent hearing about other people going to Hawaii. I just learned that my former neighbor, who is in the Air Force, is currently in Hawaii in a Canada-US military exercise. When I first learned of this, I thought, "The bastard. Why is he there and I'm not?" Actually, 'bastard' is my normal term of reference to anybody who is going to Hawaii when I'm

You see, I think I am suffering from Hawaii-separation angst. I won't be going to Hawaii this year. True, I did go last September, but that seems like a very long time ago, and it wasw only for a week. I once went from 1995 to 1999 without going to Hawaii. It was agony, I tell you. I began making regulary sojourns to the Sandwich Islands in 1983 and, like Mark Twain well over a hundred years earlier, I fell in love with the place. I love all of it, from the hubub of Waikiki, to the crowded beaches of Maui, to the nature-in-the-raw volcanoes of the Big Island, but mostly I love Kauai -- the Garden Island. It's beauty is unparalleled, it is relatively small, and it is so familiar to me that I feel like I lived there in another life. It is an almost mystical connection.

Hawaii is, for many reasons, immensely popular. I love the air, the ocean, the magnificent flowers, the jungles, and mountains, the valleys and more other things than I could mention in this space. I could do a brilliant selling job for their tourism people and folk would come in even greater droves, thanks to my efforts.

But, maybe I don't want to do that. Maybe I'd like to be behind an anti-tourism drive based on the fact that Hawaii is not for everybody. You might go there and end up disappointed. There are elements of the islands that are not everybody's cup of tea.

For example:

Hardly any nudity. If you are one of those people who likes to drop trou or panty the moment you hit a lovely beach, you'll be out of luck in Hawaii. Nudity in public is frowned on there. In fact, it's downright illegal. Oh, there are hidden beaches for buff-buffs, but I am not about to tell you where they are.

No gambling. If your idea of fun is hit the gaming tables or to buy a few hundred lottery tickets, or hang out at the track. Forget about it. There is no gambling in Hawaii. There isn't even a state lottery. There is a certain vestigeal puritanism going back to missionary days that still prevails.

Weird daylight/darkness hours. Dawn comes up 'like thunder' at about 6, and darkness falls at about 7, each and every day of the year. If you are big on lingering twilight, there is none. The sun goes down, it's dark. The sun comes up, it's day. No lolling in be waiting for the day to really begin.

Lots of obnoxious wildlife. Noisy birds, chirping geckoes; cockroaches the size of sparrows; centipedes the size of Mack trucks; feral pigs, goats, cats, mongooses (mongeese?), and chickens, gazilliions of chickens.

Scary wildlife. Sharks. Many sharks out there in that peaceful looking ocean. Sharks that can take off an arm or leg, or eat you whole. Those adorable sea turtles and monk seals attract them. True, I have never seen one in the many times I've been in the water in Hawaii, but I know they're there. And, there are barracudas, and sting rays, and Portuguese men of war, and all sorts of nastiness that might prompt the timid to venture no further than the hotel pool. Well, why not just go to a hotel pool in South Dakota then? It would save you a lot of money.

Weather. Hawaii's weather is highly unpredictable. They do have hurricanes once in a while. Otherwise, it will be sunny, rainy, blowy, humid, and so forth, sometimes during the course of one hour. Oh, and when it rains, it rains. I've seen a supermarket flooded to ankle-depth with a 20 minute inundation.

Cheesy clothing. If you savor stylish and chic, eschew Hawaii. You will see garish aloha shirts and T-shirts with obnoxious slogans everywhere. These are the state costumes. And, if your sensibilities are especially compromised by the sight of pasty, portly, older men in sandals and business socks while dressed in bermudas and aloha shirts (obvious tourists,) then you are going to be really vexed.

Finally, poi is really quite disgusting, and luaus are overrated, unless you really like eating and drinking until you are sick while spending time with the sort of loudmouths you would never associate with at home.

There, that should keep the rubes away, and leave the place open for soulfull people like me, for example, and all those who read my blog.