And what about Arnold, may I ask?

OK – I’ll admit it. I didn’t watch the Oscars last night. In fact, I hadn’t seen any of the nominated films, so why bother? Anyway, I felt that since Paris Hilton wasn’t nominated, there was no point. Then I learned the Oscars were for ‘acting’ not ‘acting out.’

But seriously, I lost interest in the Oscars when Arnold Stang (pictured here with Frankie) missed being nominated for his tour de force as ‘Sparrow’ in The Man With the Golden Arm in 1955. No, that wasn’t really serious, but Stang was good. Watch and you’ll see what I mean.

There are two reasons why I don’t watch the Oscars and haven’t done so in I cannot remember how long. They are:

1. All the Oscars are is a big in-house (I was going to say ‘circle jerk’ but my intrinsic politeness made me refrain) love-in. They are not really a reflection of critical esteem or film quality. Academy members, not critics or the public undertakes the voting. And, Academy members in a certain category by their designation can only vote for others in that same designation. At least, that is what Kim Cattrall told me a number of years ago, and I suspect she would know. So she, for example, as an actress, can only vote in the actress category, she cannot vote for best actor. So, if somebody Kim had brawled with in the past was up for a nod, she wouldn’t get Kimmie’s vote, in all likelihood. That’s just plain silly.

I don’t go to the movies. I believe God invented DVDs for a reason, and that was to keep cranky guys like me away from movie houses. I think the last two movies I ever saw were Saving Private Ryan (not a well-known fact that Tom Hanks won World War Two), and Titanic. If you haven’t seen it, the ship sinks. That one was redeemed by Kate Winslet, but not much else.

I quit going to the movies because I no longer found it a pleasant experience, but one that brought out my more hostile instincts. Why would I want to sit in a venue in which movie house operators scour the streets and then populate their venues with the rudest people they can possibly unearth. Movie audiences that used to be in raptures with what was unfolding on the silver screen now seem to be nasty, boorish, loud, inconsiderate and just not the sort of company with whom I want to be stuck being only an armrest away from. They talk; they answer cellphones; they present their stupid critiques of plot lines and they are forever going back and forth to pick up further drums of ersatz popcorn or enough milk-duds to provide confections for the population of Somalia.

And movies are so loud. Why are they so loud? I assume most people there can hear, so why should the (generally bad) music, and (generally bad) dialogue be hearable in the next town?

Sometimes I think about going to a movie. And then I find my crankiness (if I’ve so decided) increases as the day of the movie approaches. When that day actually arrives I am in such a pout about it all, there is no point in going.

Don’t get me wrong. I love movies. There are good movies, and there are even ‘great’ movies (not so much this year, from what I read), and there are movies that I have seen over and over again on TV or DVD.

In that context, I do recognize that watching a DVD version is not the same thing as seeing it all on the big screen. But, I want to then see it on the big screen in one of the cinema palaces of yesteryear. Those wonderful venues with their chandeliers and plush seats were part of the overall experience. Those crappy little multiplexes at the mall do not make it. They offer little improvement over a DVD offering. Added to which, my home isn’t populated by boorish louts, like the multiplex will be.

A final point in favor of renting a movie, I think stems from the number of occasions in which we have sat and perused a recent offering and then said: “Glad we didn’t pay real money to watch this sucker on the big screen.”