These truths shall be self-evident
1. No matter how much money you have, it's always barely enough to get by on.
2. There is always a Plan B.
3. Never pee into the wind on a sailboat.
4. You will only stub your toe in bare-feet when you have an ingrown toenail.
5. No matter which route you take, there will always be roadwork -- especially when you're late for work or an appointment.
6. No matter how late you arrive for a doctor's or dentist's appointment, you will still have to wait half-an-hour.
7. After that half hour wait you will be ushered into that little examining room even though the doctor is still not yet ready to see you. Is it to give you hope, or to increase and prolong your anxiety?
8. If you're male, you couldn't get an 18-year-old hottie when you were 18, and now that you have the maturity, money and the car that might lure her, you're too old.
9. In life, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
10. You can be a godfather, a godmother, or a goddamned fool, but you can never be a god.
11. The queue you decide to join will always take the longest, and the little old lady with only two items to check out, who is just ahead of you, will have 47 store coupons (most of them outdated, or from another store) that she will demand to have checked. She will then hand the cashier 200 lottery tickets she wants scanned.
12. 'All' divorces are acrimonious, despite protestations of mutual agreement that will be uttered by both parties. At least one of the parties is truly pissed, and probably both are.
13. When the divorce is finalized and your ex states that he/she wants you to remain friends, that will never truly happen. The most you can hope for is a reserved politeness on meeting, in which both parties are waiting for the other to say something inflammatory.
14. Children will never love you back as much as you love them.
15. After having chastised a youngster for not visiting the bathroom prior to departure on a trip, you will be struck by an overwhelming urge to pee within half an hour of leaving your doorstep.
16. All airplane trips are frightening, uncomfortable, and hideously boring.
17. Cat hair does not cling to cats.
18. Anyone nitpicky enough to write a litter to the editor complaining about a typographical error, deserves the error.
19. Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, either teach PE or chair the local teachers' union.
20. A person cannot step into the same river twice.
21. Unrequited love fantasies never become reality -- at least not in the way you wanted them to.
22. Or, they do, and that can be worse.
23. Your dreams are merely dreams, they do no foretell the future or resolve problems.
24. Beautiful women do not break wind, get greenery stuck in their teeth or become stricken with diarrhea. If they did it would destroy all illusion.
25. (bonus aphorism) There is no justice in the universe. If something genuinely fair seems to have transpired, it was a random fluke. So, life ain't fair. So, get over it.