Putting myself in deep Jeopardy

It has been suggested to me on a few occasions that I should audition for the TV show Jeopardy. But I'm not certain I have the hubris quotient to get me there. Furthermore, unless I could be another Ken Jennings I think I'd be mortified to be found wanting. I mean, I might be one of those poor sods who doesn't even make it to 'Final Jeopardy', and would have to shuffle off the stage knowing that Alex and the other two contestants would secretly jeer at me. Alex might even openly jeer at me, since he is from Sudbury, not a place known for the best social graces.

The reason it has been suggested to me stems from the fact I am, ahem, a trivia whiz. This is not vainglory; I truly am. I even have trophies for the assorted competitions I have won through all the years. And, I am an avid Jeopardy buff, and always have been. I go back to the old Art Fleming days when the answer cards were unveiled by hand. It is a magnificent show for the generally brain-dead medium that is normal network television. Not quite as challenging as the BBC's Mastermind, but a strong contender in terms of quality.

So, I will watch Jeopardy, and I will either snap out answers, or will rail at the mediocrity of the contestants. I always root for Canadians when they are on, and I generally root for female contestants. I don't know why. I guess because I like girls, and am stimulated in untoward ways by intelligent women. Sometimes contestants make me angry, however, and I will vent spleen at them. For example, I can be astonished when I can answer a question on American history, and I will get the answer whereas the Stateside contestant won't. "It's 'who is Zachary Taylor?', you fucking moron! How come I, as a Canadian, know your history better than you do?"

As for Final Jeopardy, I think I have won enough to easily equal Ken Jennings during the years I've been a fan. "So, why don't you go on?" asks my wife. I guess the reason I don't go on includes the points I made above, and also the misfortune that befell a friend of mine.

In the aforementioned Comox Valley trivia competitions, my leading opponent for the laurel was always Valley novelist, Matt Hughes. And, Matt is good. No doubt about that. And Matt knows he's good. Well, one time, Matt qualified for Jeopardy. He made it through all the auditions and testing, and got to be a competitor.

To make a long story short, he tanked.

He was utterly mortified.

"It's not enough to know all the answers, like you do at home," he said. "You also have to be so quick that you hit that buzzer even before Alex has finished asking the question. There are two challenges. One is the knowledge, the other is speed. Speed's more important. I just wasn't fast enough."

So, afraid of being mortified, I just watch, and rail from the sidelines.