Say -- you're not the boss of me

One of the advantages of working from home is that finally my life has unfolded so that I don’t have a boss. Well, I do have one boss, but that is myself, but he’s an incompetent and undemanding bastard, so he’s not that difficult to deal with.

I’ve been relatively fortunate in my working career in that I’ve only had two bosses that were genuine sons-of-bitches. The first was when I worked in a torrid temperature cardboard box plant once summer when I was in university. He was a controlling and nasty piece of goods. And, even though I was a diligently hard-worker, my contrarian nature balked at his attitude and genuine nastiness. On my last day of work that summer I told him in no uncertain and decidedly Anglo-Saxon terms what I thought of him. He was so taken-aback he could only sputter.

My other ‘bad’ boss was an editor I once worked for. Now, I will not take from his talents at the task; he was an excellent editor and a mighty creative guy and our paper, thanks to him, looked fantastic. The problem was, he was also deceitful, dishonest, mercurial, and adored having his assed kissed by ‘favorites’. I don’t do suckhole well at all. Consequently I knew I would be stuck in a put-upon mid-management role in perpetuity. He granted me my talent, but hated me for it, too.

But, that’s not bad, all things considered in a long working career.

I have also been a boss. Mainly at the aforementioned mid-management, soul-destroying level. Once, briefly, I was actual boss. Not ‘boss-of-bosses’, but CEO, if you will, of a rehab. Only problem there was the place was a non-profit. Non-profits are evil by their structure. Therefore, I had to answer to a board of morons and self-seekers. I really, really hated that.

Added to which, as boss, one has to deal with employees. That’s lousy. Sometimes you have to reprimand them, which I dislike. And sometimes you have to fire them, and that’s truly agonizing. It was for me, at least, and I’m not a softie. One guy I knew I had to fire was a person I knew elsewhere, and I genuinely liked the man. But, he was a putz at the job and highly unreliable.

Finally the day came. A day I had been dreading. I called him into my office and girded my loins. But, and this made me believe there is a God, or something. He said: “This isn’t really working out, is it.” Thank you, Lord. “No,” I said, “It isn’t.” And then he left, and we’re still friendly.

Anyway, as follows are the elements of a bad boss. Feel free to add some of your own.

Micromanagers: cannot possibly conceive that an underling might have an iota of intelligence or skill and therefore must control each and every move.

Egomaniacs: Must place a big smackeroo on left buttock cheek each time he or she has told you about another remarkable accomplishment by him or her.

Tyrants: Stride the world like self-perceived colossi wreaking abuse and havoc and fear wherever they go.

Narcissists: Cannot ever be wrong and will destroy any underling who challenges.

Sexual harassers: Feel that underlings are their chattels and must be groomed whenever the impulse strikes. The victims are rendered miserable. Harassers, by the way, can be found among males and females and also gays in authority.

Mercurials: The underling has no idea what mood el bosso is going to be offering on any given day, and he/she can change from Dalai Lama to Genghis Khan in a trice.

Addicts: Cokeheads and alcoholics are impossible to deal with, pure and simple, so don’t even try. They will regularly show all the aforementioned traits and the toll they take in business and industry is utterly staggering. Statistics bear this out.

What we maybe need is a combo of Mr. Dithers and Mr. Fezziwig. You know, firm yet fair. That’s probably the ideal. And I truly like being my own boss because I can be those things with me – or not. Who’s to know?