Would you please pay a lot of money to come and hear me speak?

I’ve decided that I’m going to get into the motivational speaker racket. I say ‘racket’ because these people demand huge, huge fees for mounting some stage after a rubber-chicken dinner so that they can share their wisdom with the enthralled and enchanted ‘starfuckers’ who should know better and maybe should consider spending their money on more worthy things.

A bunch of people in my wife’s office just got back from having listened to, of all people, Martha Stewart. Their overlords seemed to think that gems from the lips of Martha would inspire them to greater heights of competence – or something. The mind boggles.

In the first place, Martha cannot speak to save her life. If you’ve ever watched her on TV, her voice is, to state the case most generously, a dull monotone. Oratress she ain’t. And, wisdom? This broad was too dumb to keep her ass out of prison. Added to which, isn’t there just the teeniest question – in light of her semi-hard-time stint – about her honesty?

Doesn’t matter, it seems. She’s Martha and people are paying money to actually go and hear her.

There are lots of other notables in the speaker biz. Ex-Prez Bill Clinton demands the GNP of any eastern European nation you could name to stand behind a mike in your town. Again, think whatever good or whatever bad you want to about Bubba, he was no more known for his elocution skills than George W. will be when his turn comes out to go on the road. And he will. Mark my words.

I think the most heinous of all (mainly because I think she’s heinous at most levels) is the wife of former British PM Tony Blair. Creepy Cherie is earning an income close to the Queens in order to enthral society matrons everywhere. Why? She is the ‘wife’ of the former PM, she wasn’t PM herself. Who on God’s earth would care what she had to say? Margaret Thatcher (actually a pretty decent speaker in her day) I could moderately understand, but Cherie Blair?

Anyway, I think I should do it. I’m not a bad speaker, I’ve been told. Have a decent voice. Was once told by a deejay that I would have a good voice (not to mention ‘face’) for radio. I’m not particularly frightened by speaking before an audience. I’ve done so many times, first as a teacher, and then later at assorted presentations.

Now, I just have to decide on a gimmick (because the entire bag is about gimmickry) I could do some stuff on addictions and dysfunction, but I think John Bradshaw and Wayne Dyer have that one pretty much handled. Politics? No, I’d be excessively cynical. Sex? I think that one’s overdone in our carnality-obsessed society.

I know, how about an ‘unmotivational speaking tour’? As boomers get older and older they’re eventually going to have to detach themselves from their careers and professions and turn over the remnants to the young Turks. The idea would be to ‘unmotivate’ people from that which they once believed in implicitly.

Creative Lethargy I would call it.

or

How to retire and then when not on the golf course:

* become a pain-in-the-ass to your wife by hanging around the kitchen.
* become a pain-in-the-ass by hanging around the neighborhood mall and never buying anything
* become a pain-in-the-ass by, hanging around the supermarket and chatting up the pretty li'l checkout clerks
* become a pain-in-the-ass by going to your grown children’s houses and telling them what they’re doing wrong in raising their own kids

I’ll make millions. Well, if Martha can, then I should be able to, and I promise not to indulge in insider trading, either.