We probably deserve God's wrath -- but, geez ...

We had a huge, nasty, disgusting, and unrepentant inundation of snow on the weekend. It was a detestable turn-of-events.

Snow, if you didn’t know, is God’s way of saying: “You’re all hopeless and vile and I’m going to screw you up so you can’t do anything other than risk a coronary by trying to get rid of what I threw at you. And, when you do get that driveway cleared I am going to see that two things happen: One, the triple-overtime earning snowplow drivers are going to fill up the entrance to your drive and walkway with dirty, nasty ‘street’ snow that is all hard and icy and filled with pebbles and possibly used condoms and hypodermic syringes. Secondly, once that’s done, I’m going to make it snow again.”

“Oh, and don’t trust those bonehead forecasters,” He adds. “They all work for me and that is why they are 100% wrong all the time, yet never get fired. So, I had to laugh when you actually bit on that few flurries bit; you know, the crap the forecasters handed you that led you to believe that maybe you’d get out Saturday and do some Christmas shopping; maybe look for a tree, and get all Christmas spirity. Well, screw you. You’ve messed with me too much lately, and you don’t deserve any breaks.”

At least, that’s how I see the origins of the weekend ghastliness.

We got, I think I heard, about 30 centimetres. That is, in ‘real’ measurements, like the kind I grew up with, hence understand, about 17-feet – or so it seems.

But, after much digging, I did get out today. God felt we’d been punished enough – for now. I ran a couple of errands and stopped off at a local drug store on the way home so I could pick up a newspaper. The clerk is this stunningly gorgeous woman I’ve known for years and about whom I’ve had all sorts of untoward thoughts. But, it’s OK, she’s also happily married to a guy who makes Brad Pitt look kind of average, so I never felt I stood much of a chance, even in my inter-marriage days. Anyway, this ravishing person proceeded to say: “Wasn’t it a lovely weekend? Oooh, I just love the snow. It’s so beautiful and peaceful and quiet. Heavenly.”
I felt all my age old, salacious musings vanish in a trice; mumbled a pleasant good day to her, took my paper and left. I didn’t want to risk saying what I really thought but, alas, it did diminish her just a teeny bit in my esteem. Anyway, her husband’s probably really boring, and that’s why she likes to get out and play in the snow.

All of this is to say that even though I live in Canada, we don’t generally get a lot of snow out here on the west coast, so I have to wonder why God is punishing us. He is supposed to keep punishing those who live elsewhere in Canada because a) they deserve it more and b) they’re used to it and probably don’t drive like they’ve lost all of their brain cells the moment the first flakes fall.