Those old flannel-shirt wearing weather blues!

It’s flannel shirt weather.

I hate that!

I hate it for two reasons. The first reason is that flannel shirts never make a fashion statement – they always look dorky and functional. The second is that flannel shirt weather means it’s not aloha shirt weather. In other words, it’s too cold to be acceptable.

I have a grand total of three flannel shirts hanging in my closet. I detest it when conditions are such that I have to say, post-shower: “Well, I guess I’ll have to put on a (profane adjective indicating sexual intercourse) flannel shirt. I put it on and immediately I feel like Bob and Doug Mackenzie, or Red Green. That’s because flannel shirts prototypically Canadian.

So, that’s another reason I don’t like flannel shirts – they are so Canadian. Not that I am troubled about being Canadian. As North American nations go, it’s a reasonably decent place in which to reside. In fact, I believe it was George W. Bush who once stated: “Now that I know where Canada is, I am comfortable in stating that Canada is America’s favorite northern neighbor.” High praise indeed.

What I don’t like about being Canadian is that we tend to have winter. We on the west coast don’t have ‘winter’ like the weird hinterland parts of the country, but this year it has been very winterish. Right now temperatures are well below freezing and, even though the sun is shining, it’s still demanding of garment insulation.

My antipathy to flannel shirts goes back to junior high. About the end of eighth grade I announced to my mother that I world no longer wear flannel shirts. Checked flannel shirts were only worn by dorks. Dorks who button them right to the top and tuck them into their dorky corduroy pants and then pull their pants up to a point immediately south of the ribcage. No, I wasn’t that kind of a kid. I was no dork! I was no Beaver Cleaver (I aspired to be Wally-like) as in the illustration where you can see the collar of his, yep, flannel shirt. No, Beaver was not Canadian, but I think he may have been an honorary Canadian. Therefore, I could only be decked out in non-dork garments. Garments that made a statement about my coolness – such as a light cotton shirt, open to the belly-button and then tucked into Levis that rested around my hips. Oh, and the shirt collar was required to be turned up at the back. Incredibly cool was I.

In fact, I was as dorkish (actually, I’m not sure that such terms as dork, dweeb, nerd or any of the other current pejoratives were around at that time, but you get my drift) as everybody else, and maybe just a little more facile, which was why costuming seemed to be important.

I outgrew any obsessive need to appear cool, but I have been left with a residual antipathy to flannel shirts. Truly, what could be more dorky-looking than an aloha shirt – unless you happen to be in Hawaii and are Tom Selleck – on an otherwise normally well-dressed man? I have no answer for that.
But, I still hate flannel shirts, and that’s why on this chilly day I am wearing a turtle-neck tee under a pullover sweater. How Jack Kerouac.

On the other hand, Kerouac died a drunken bum at an early, whereas Bill Gates (who definitely looks like a flannel shirt wearer) is just rolling in bucks.