I scream -- you scream -- we all scream ...

So, what is your least favorite ice-cream flavor? Consensus in this household awards the laurel to maple walnut. That was my father's favorite. Perhaps there is something Freudian afoot here, but I loathe MW. Nothing against my father and his tastes -- actually, I have many things against my father and his tastes, but that's not is what is at issue. I think I mainly hate MW because I do not like maple flavor -- except as maple syrup, smothering pancakes or waffles -- and I detest walnuts in any manner they might be used. The only time I approve of walnuts is when they are hanging from the branches of the magnificent tree that sits in the forecourt of the wonderful Rocky Mountain Cafe in Courtenay.

But, enough negativity. This is intended to be a song of praise for a wonderful substance. One for which, I am told, we must thank the Moors, who were given to scaling the Atlas Mountains in days of yore to secure ice and make a confection delighted in by assorted sultans and potentates. From North Africa, it traveled easily across the Mediterranean to Italy, and that is why Italian gelati are some unspeakably enticing.

As far as flavors are concerned, I am a bit of a traditionalist. The most popular flavor, according to assorted polls, remains vanilla. I like vanilla very much, even though psychological profiles of vanilla lovers indicate that the consumer is inclined to be boring, staid, unimaginative, and sexually unadventurous. I 'like' to think the foregoing are not accurate descriptions of who I am, but you would have to ask others to make sure. Strawberry, good strawberry, with chunks of berry within, can be quite jolly. And then there is chocolate. If I am in the right mood, there's nothing I want more than chocolate ice cream. If I'm not in the mood -- maybe if I'm feeling sexually unadventurous -- then I'll revert to vanilla. Haagen Dazs, by the way, makes an absolutely killer double chocolate ice cream bar that I've only been able to find in the US, never this side of the border. Such a pity, for this is ice cream as pure sensual decadence.

As for other flavors, ever since I was a child I have adored orange ice cream, but it's very, very rare. If ever I find it, I immediately buy it, and delight in every spoonful, much in the manner one should enjoy a superlative cognac or expensive single malt whisky. Blackberry is also a fine flavor, as is black raspberry. I wonder why they never seem to make regular raspberry ice cream. That would be good. Another one I remember loving when I was a kid was cherry custard. You hardly ever see that any more. Too bad.

As for kiddie confections that have chunks of cookie or candy bar in them, I'm not really drawn in that direction. A little too unsubtle for me. However, the best ice cream cone I ever had was one I bought from a joint in Waikiki many years ago. It was a massive praline confection, dripping with whipped cream and assorted other accoutrements. Its consumption verged on the orgasmic.

Of course, if you really want to experiment with all the ramifications of ice cream and its possibilities, get yourself a Donvier ice cream maker. Such an appliance will open the universe for you. Ever fancy watermelon or rhubarb ice cream? Make either one. They're surprisingly good. The only thing with a Donvier is, don't follow the rules. Where the recipes will suggest a combination of milk and light cream, opt for heavy cream and whipped cream in combo. You want significantly clogged arteries and a premature coronary, then this is the way to go. And what a decadent ride.