By golly, it could be a Wonderful World
Since jmb suggested I was, by dint of recent postings, becoming excessively curmudgeonly (I’m not, really. I’m the sweetest, most charming, not to mention stunningly handsome man of my age you could come across; I also have a really tiny ego) I have decided what with this crappy, rainy, Labor Day weekend, I am going to be more upbeat and positive.
And positive I am. For one thing, as all the little wretches are returning to school on Tuesday, I’m heading off on a couple of weeks’ vacation (more about that later) and have completed all my tasks (writing contracts and others) prior to taking off. So, I feel good about life.
By the way, as an aside, how many others feel that little twinge of back-to-school anxiety on this weekend, even though they’ve been away for years or decades? Just wondering if that was just me, or if it was universal.
Back to my positive and upbeat blog. What I am looking at is the fact (not stemming from curmudgeonliness but considering reality) that there are things in this life that maybe we should have, but don’t. For all of our vast technologies, life might be even sweeter, or at least more sensible if we had the following ten things:
1. Thinking aids: Sort of like hearing-aids. A device you could attach to the side of your head during times of mental fatigue, just to give a boost. Less addictive and more healthful than cocaine, your thinking aid could get you through that tough exam or legal interrogation without stress.
2. Mouse flavoured cat food: Vermin wreak untold havoc in granaries and food sources around the world. Cats like to eat mice. I’m amazed that the Tender Vittles folk haven’t considered this one.
3. A gender specific toilet seat: Your bathroom would have a sex detector as you enter and approach the toilet. If you are male, the seat will rise. If you are female, it will stay stationary. Mind you, if you are male and have that old ‘other’ need, I guess you’d have to punch that info in.
4. Lighted toilet bowl: Not to be excessively obsessed with potty functions, but why not have, especially for males, a faint light in the bowl for neat and tidy 3 a.m. functioning?
5. ‘You’re busted!’ ignition function: If we are really serious about eliminating the nightmare of intoxicated drivers and the havoc they cause in the lives of the innocent, and we should be, we should also be prepared to get tough. I think we need a device that not only locks the ignition if a drunk tries to start the vehicle up, it should also strap the guy behind the wheel and immediately alert the police who can bust him on the spot.
6. Bras with Velcro strips instead of hooks: Don’t think this needs to be explained in more detail as to the wherefores and whys.
7. Boredom beater: When trapped in a tiresome and tedious conversation, why suffer? Your boredom beater will emit a continuing blast of white noise that will render the verbal pollution of the tiresome jerk silent. He will flap his gums and you will hear nothing. Don’t worry about not responding, because bores aren’t at all interested in what you have to say, anyway.
8.Star Trek Transporters for real: Love to travel but hate the process? Afraid of terrorists? Dislike sharing an aluminum tube with obnoxious drunks, assholes, crying babies and people with questionable personal freshness? Of course you do. We all do. So, why aren’t our geeks really working to make Transporters a reality? Imagine, you would just go to a place, pay the conventional fee you’d play for a disgusting plane trip, and there you would be in a trice, in Hawaii or Marrakech. Your luggage could be transported at the same time.
9. Income tax lotteries: Everybody hates the taxman, and for good reason. The bastards rob us and put money into causes we don’t necessarily espouse. Consequently, everybody from Leona Helmseley (shudder) to the guy across the street is tempted to cheat. This is galling for the revenuers. Well, the answer is simple. People spend huge sums on lotteries in which they have one chance out of 10 zillion of winning. Why not a tax lottery with good odds in which say the odds were one out of 10,000. The bad guys would still collect their filthy lucre, and the rest of us would have fun playing?
10. Print a big banner headline in every newspaper everywhere that states simply: ‘Life is lethal. Get over it.’ Then there will be no more conflicting articles telling us on a daily basis that everything we’re doing is bad for our health and we should cut it out. Of course ‘everything’ is bad for our health, or we would live forever.
If you have any suggestions of your own, I’d love to hear them.
And positive I am. For one thing, as all the little wretches are returning to school on Tuesday, I’m heading off on a couple of weeks’ vacation (more about that later) and have completed all my tasks (writing contracts and others) prior to taking off. So, I feel good about life.
By the way, as an aside, how many others feel that little twinge of back-to-school anxiety on this weekend, even though they’ve been away for years or decades? Just wondering if that was just me, or if it was universal.
Back to my positive and upbeat blog. What I am looking at is the fact (not stemming from curmudgeonliness but considering reality) that there are things in this life that maybe we should have, but don’t. For all of our vast technologies, life might be even sweeter, or at least more sensible if we had the following ten things:
1. Thinking aids: Sort of like hearing-aids. A device you could attach to the side of your head during times of mental fatigue, just to give a boost. Less addictive and more healthful than cocaine, your thinking aid could get you through that tough exam or legal interrogation without stress.
2. Mouse flavoured cat food: Vermin wreak untold havoc in granaries and food sources around the world. Cats like to eat mice. I’m amazed that the Tender Vittles folk haven’t considered this one.
3. A gender specific toilet seat: Your bathroom would have a sex detector as you enter and approach the toilet. If you are male, the seat will rise. If you are female, it will stay stationary. Mind you, if you are male and have that old ‘other’ need, I guess you’d have to punch that info in.
4. Lighted toilet bowl: Not to be excessively obsessed with potty functions, but why not have, especially for males, a faint light in the bowl for neat and tidy 3 a.m. functioning?
5. ‘You’re busted!’ ignition function: If we are really serious about eliminating the nightmare of intoxicated drivers and the havoc they cause in the lives of the innocent, and we should be, we should also be prepared to get tough. I think we need a device that not only locks the ignition if a drunk tries to start the vehicle up, it should also strap the guy behind the wheel and immediately alert the police who can bust him on the spot.
6. Bras with Velcro strips instead of hooks: Don’t think this needs to be explained in more detail as to the wherefores and whys.
7. Boredom beater: When trapped in a tiresome and tedious conversation, why suffer? Your boredom beater will emit a continuing blast of white noise that will render the verbal pollution of the tiresome jerk silent. He will flap his gums and you will hear nothing. Don’t worry about not responding, because bores aren’t at all interested in what you have to say, anyway.
8.Star Trek Transporters for real: Love to travel but hate the process? Afraid of terrorists? Dislike sharing an aluminum tube with obnoxious drunks, assholes, crying babies and people with questionable personal freshness? Of course you do. We all do. So, why aren’t our geeks really working to make Transporters a reality? Imagine, you would just go to a place, pay the conventional fee you’d play for a disgusting plane trip, and there you would be in a trice, in Hawaii or Marrakech. Your luggage could be transported at the same time.
9. Income tax lotteries: Everybody hates the taxman, and for good reason. The bastards rob us and put money into causes we don’t necessarily espouse. Consequently, everybody from Leona Helmseley (shudder) to the guy across the street is tempted to cheat. This is galling for the revenuers. Well, the answer is simple. People spend huge sums on lotteries in which they have one chance out of 10 zillion of winning. Why not a tax lottery with good odds in which say the odds were one out of 10,000. The bad guys would still collect their filthy lucre, and the rest of us would have fun playing?
10. Print a big banner headline in every newspaper everywhere that states simply: ‘Life is lethal. Get over it.’ Then there will be no more conflicting articles telling us on a daily basis that everything we’re doing is bad for our health and we should cut it out. Of course ‘everything’ is bad for our health, or we would live forever.
If you have any suggestions of your own, I’d love to hear them.
Labels: life would be so much brighter
posted by Ian Lidster at
1:58 PM
13 Comments
