No, really, I think you are magnificent

Rejection is a harsh thing, and it is something that wounds us to the core. Rejection has even driven some people to end it all, or take heartily to drink and drugs and sexual profligacy (well, it's better than killing yourself, be honest) to ease the pain.

Yet, rejection is common enough that we've all been impacted. We have been rejected, and we have also rejected others. I think the latter is harder to take than the former, to be honest.

All this means is that the course of life is not a smooth one for any of us, and unfortunately, there are those in our midst who are bound-and-determined to render it even less salubrious. It is in dealing with such knaves that we’ve developed assorted protective devices designed to make the affairs of our days less traumatic.

One of the more common protective devices is the linguistic euphemism. This involves utilizing a turn-of-phrase, which, while not a blatant lie, serves to soften bad news blows and rejection. Sometimes we give linguistic euphemisms, sometimes we. receive them, and this is certainly a case in which it is no better to give than to receive. Unless we happen to be crass and unfeeling boors. I'm not. Sometimes I wish I were because it would be easier.

The linguistic euphemism is in essence a form of polite discourse, much like a diplomatic note or a positive comment about a spouse’s new outfit or hairstyle. Like all of those, nobody truly believes what has been stated but, as civilized human beings, we pretend that we are fooled.

Here are some examples:

“Come here for a moment, I want to talk to you.” This can be uttered by many people under many circumstances, but whatever the talk is about, you know instinctively it won’t be good. It is a favorite expression of bosses, as in, “Drop by my office around 3:30, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” To hear this and have your bowels immediately liquefy is perfectly understandable, because what he is really saying is that you will either be getting a pink-slip, or cut-backs are demanding you be laid off, or you have been accused of sexual harassment, and you are on your last warning, or somebody has smelled booze on your breath. Whatever is the case, the chat will not be about something good like a raise or promotion. If the executive is wearing a fixed smile when he makes the statement, you know definitely you are out the door, or maybe will even be arrested for cooking the books.

“I need to talk to you right away.” Even more ominous than the foregoing, especially if delivered over the phone or in an email by a girlfriend, or by an illicit paramour. The time has come for you to either look into college trust funds for newborns, or to flee a homicidal spouse.

“I’m going to be frank with you.” The utterer is about to tear so many psychological and emotional strips off you that you will wonder how you have lived so long, considering what a complete failure your life has been to date. Monasteries and convents are filled with those who have had someone be frank with them. If the person says he is going to be “brutally frank”, that is worse. Much worse.

“I’d rather not discuss it on the phone. Come around to my office.” If your doctor is the person on the other end of the line, make sure your affairs are all in order and your spouse knows where the will is located. Don’t make any long-term plans.

“It’s so lovely to see you. We’ll have you people over really soon because we’ve always loved your company.” They have no regard for you at all, and you will never be invited. The only saving grace in this one is that you probably detest them, too.

“This may hurt a little.” If this is your dentist speaking the pain will be more excruciating than the worst excesses of the Spanish Inquisition.

“I really enjoy your company and I’d like us to remain good friends always.” You’re not getting ‘any’ with her, and you never will. You will also not remain good friends.

“Who knows, someday I may regret this and hopefully we’ll get back together in the future.” You have been so dumped. Much worse than the one before.

“Your manuscript shows considerable flair but does not meet our current needs.” They have been wondering how you had effrontery and chutzpah to send them such a piece of crap. Don’t console yourself with the knowledge that Anthony Burgess had the manuscript for The Clockwork Orange rejected 48 times, your manuscript will never see the light of day unless you self publish, and even they might look at it askance.

“Remember, you can always come to me if anything goes wrong.” If this statement emanates from a new boss on your first day on a new job, it means he will prove to have a disposition worse than Heinrich Himmler, and will never be of any help to you whatsoever. On the other hand, it could mean that he wants to have you on his side, and to spy on your co-workers and report back to him. Both possibilities are disagreeable and dangerous. Indeed, beware of first day “great guy” bosses always.

“I don’t want to belabor the point.” The point, whatever it is, will be belaboured ad nauseam, and invariably to your disadvantage because it was designed to point out your flaws.

“This meeting should be a short one as I only have a couple of minor items to discuss.” This falls into the category of one of those laws, in which the meeting will expand with those few items into a session that is longer than conventional meetings. Call your spouse and ask him or her to hold dinner for a very long time, or be prepared to pick up a pizza on the way home.

“I’m going to be honest with you.” As stated by a car salesman, he or she is going to be everything other than honest. If stated bya spouse or boss, it means you are out the door, buster, and don't hit your ass on the way out.

“No, really, I couldn’t take that much money for it.” What you’re offering, that’s it? You can’t be serious.

“What? You’re leaving already?” Yeah, it’s only three a.m., you cretinous morons. Some people have to get up and go to work in the morning. Anyway, you’ve drunk all the booze, eaten all the food, and your constant bickering and sniping at each other is truly repulsive, and we hope we never, ever see you again.

“No, you’ll really like her. She’s kind of unique.” She is a borderline personality case who will initially come across as charming and sexy, and wil then turn terrifying as time goes by.

Do you have any favorite 'politeness' euphemisms? I'd love to hear them.